Painfully accurate
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
I made a pencil with two erasers.
To be honest, it was pointless.
My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. He had a terrible end,
but a lovely finish.
When is the best time to commit suicide?
Ate a glock in the morning.
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
Yesterday I confused the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
What’s the difference between a Leopard and a Jaguar?
Thousands of miles.
Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor…
Her name is Cardi O!
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
Wife: honey I’m pregnant, we’re going to have our first kid
Husband, with tears in his eyes: Hi pregnant, I’m dad
How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can't break the ice.
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.
I tried to cheer my buddy up by inviting him to a poker night after cows broke into his marijuana store and ate all his product, but he couldn’t come.
He said that the steaks were too high.
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Cause then it would be a foot….
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!
[100 years ago] witch: fuck this house
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
what the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?
the snow balls