Harry Potter has way too many characters…
Even J.K. Rolling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The ass hole is usually in charge.
I just took an AND test
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again?
This version has a virus.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
College girl visits the doctor for an exam…
Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra." So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest. Doctor says: "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love." Doctor: "Ok you're finished, send in the next girl" Next girl comes in and the doctor says the same "Take off your blouse and bra" Sure enough there is an imprint of a U on her chest. Doctor says "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to the University of Utah and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love" Doctor: "Sounds about right, ok you're done send in the next girl" Girl comes in and removes her blouse and bra. This time there is an imprint of a M on her chest. Doctor says: "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan right?" Girl: "No doctor, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin."
Sorry next generation, previous generation told current generation it was okay..
https://ift.tt/31VbTvZ
Me: dear Ouji board, is this house haunted?
Ouji board: M Y B R O T H E R H A S A L W A Y S B E E N M O R E P O P U L A R T H A N M E. Me: damnit, this is a Luigi board
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
The funniest part of any pizza joke…
…is the delivery.
Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
How do you get your ducks in a row?
Use duck tape, of course!
My wife asked me if “I was listening to her?!”
Strange way to start a conversation….
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
… "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet. The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
Sign on the espresso machine said, “Coffeemaker not hot.”
So I wrote, "But has a great personality."
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
Orion’s belt is a big waist of space.
Ok, it's not that funny, only a 3 star joke
I tell my wife I’m close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..
I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Y’know, one would’ve been enough.
Guy walks into a bar
Lucky bastard
Hindus are so chill
i’ve never had beef with any of them
For years I was against organ transplants
Then I had a change of heart
What do you call nun in heaven?
if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !
Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?
His Dad finally grounded him
A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom…
The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing" The brother nods in agreement. "When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old. The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast. "I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, bitch!" The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair. The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be fucking cocoa puffs!"
Airline food is disgusting
It just isn’t on the same level as homemade and restaurant food
My 6 month old son has his first milk shake today.
My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake.