Pandemic funny
I caught my husband coming to a brothel and I’m not sure what to do now.
On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.
Mom, dad… I’m gay…
My mom looked at my dad. My dad clenched his fists. My mom screamed: "NO DON'T DO IT" …. My dad, breathing heavily: "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"
I’ve done some terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
I wish I could clean mirrors for a living
Its just something I could see myself doing
If you’re surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide
Imagine how surprised he must have been.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
What does Jesus and a floppy disk have in common?
They both died to become the icon of saving
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
We should use Hillary Clinton’s emails to build a wall
Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan.
Its like I've never seen herbivore.
I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl
And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
If the Americans change from pounds to kilograms overnight,
there will be mass confusion.
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
Here’s a picture inside of the busiest railway station ( Howrah Station) in India!
https://ift.tt/2Pxb34x
I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.” She asked, “Which doctor?”
"No, the regular kind."
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child…
The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here…" She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soon, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here…" She continues to try to get her babe to start feeding and finally in a stern tone tells the babe, "This is the last warning, you need to stop being fussy, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here…" The man finally gets exasperated and says, "Lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off the bus three stops back!"
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
My son told me he had a hole in his shoe today
I said yes son, that's where you put your foot in
What’s dark but always shines?
Shoe polish.
I don’t understand why people are celebrating pi day.
It's irrational.
Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.
He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading. "Why are you reading? How old are you?" "I'm 19 officer." "And her?" "Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
How come Grizzlies never wear shoes?
Why do you think they're always Bearfoot 24/7?
Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?
The stock market!
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class…
She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma
Unfortunatley, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation…
How many incels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They'll just compliment it and get pissed when it doesn't screw.
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, confirming that it could arrive at their position in approximately two weeks. The old vet sighed and shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. The young soldier scoffed. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.
The fifth was dead Sirius.
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
A farmer’s wife is making breakfast for her husband…
As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens". As the wife sits down to eat, she grabs the farmer's crotch and tells him "if this could get hard, we could get rid of your brother".