"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
It’s gone spiral
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student responds: What’s food? A European student: What’s scarcity? An American student: What are "other countries"? A Chinese student: What’s "my own opinion"?
but none of them seem to work.
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
It always cracks up
I can’t stand it!
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
Because then they'd be bagels.
I said to the foreman, “That sure is a big rock!” “Boulder,” he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, “THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!”
Then they call me ugly and poor.
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar. I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with. Here's the joke I told: "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in." One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago. Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?" "No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
Nothing, they fast
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.
[True story] My Grandma and Grandpa were arguing. My grandpa exclaimed, “I’m the King, and you’re nothing!” So my Grandma replied…
“Oh yeah? Then you’re the King of nothing!”
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
Because he conditioned it.
Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet? Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born. Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy? Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head. Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk Father: Shut up cinderblock
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
It was a non-prophet organization!
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you."
Me (checking my sock): no it doesn’t! Dad: well, how did you get your foot in?
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, “Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?” Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
Because they're calf price
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
I guess you could call him a cheap-steak.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
He was under a tack
…you need to let that mango.
Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help. Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life. The teenager is shocked at how easy it was. "Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!" "It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."