Panzerfaust incoming! Got lube?
Scientists removed the right half brain of a man…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you can’t come let me know
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
OK.
What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ
My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles today..
His next poop could spell disaster.
What are goosebumps for?
To slow geese down.
Before the crowbar was invented
Crows had to drink at home
How do you turn a boat into a hat?
Just turn it over, and now it's capsized!
Another film has been released about a barrier in India.
It's a Sikh wall.
I work for the NHS dealing with moving patients between different areas of the hospital.
It's a re-warding job.
I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early
The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
Son: Daddy my shoes don’t fit right.
Me: That's because they're on the wrong feet. Son: But they're the only feet I have.
Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.
I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"
I knew an autistic baker who could make a loaf of bread in any shape.
He had special kneads.
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants the other day.
I hope you’re happy now.
I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
“I just urinated on a pregnancy test,” said my girlfriend. “I’m pregnant.”
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step, until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.