Panzerfaust incoming! Got lube?
2 pilots meet
300 people died
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.
Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and use it again.
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
I was once addicted to soap.
Now I’m clean.
A man visits the council to apply for a job
During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles" After hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day" The man is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
How does a Rabbi make tea?
Hebrews it
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
I used to date a baker
But I broke up with her because she was too kneady.
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
There are only 3 types of people in the world
The ones that can count, and the ones that can't
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy.
Both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
People who don’t eat gluten…
… are really going against the grain.
A guy walks into the bar and finds two lesbians kissing in the corner. Out of curiosity, he straightway goes to them and asks, “What is the thing you don’t like about dicks?”
"They ask stupid questions", one of them replied.
![[visible confusion]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/v42d1y0frjf41-400x674.png)
What do you call smart person in America?
A tourist.
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he’s cut down?
He keeps a log.
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed
The steaks have never been higher
It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods.
It was harder to deter gents.
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
What is red and smells like blue paint
Red paint
Having gay parents must be the worst
Either you get twice the amount of dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother".
A person asked me, “Hey, aren’t you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?”
I chuckled and shook my head, "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city!"
Why is Switzerland such a good country?
I’m not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To take a photo in front of a church.
My friend helped me get into beekeeping. He gave me some to get me started.
He said they were freebees.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
"Is it something I said?" "Yes."
