Panzerfaust incoming! Got lube?

I should have listened to my grandfather…
— what did he say? — I don't know. I didn't listen.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store
I just created a new word,
Plagiarism.
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
Why did the blonde woman have bruises on her belly button?
Because blonde men are stupid too.
Why is it so dark in the Apple factory?
They have no windows.
They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater…
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
3 guys were sitting in a biker bar.
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is fine!” The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again. And he said “I got it on with your grandma. And she is good. The best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said,”I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!” The biker stood up and took the drunk by the shoulder. And said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past

Trump retreating to his safe space after being treated ‘very unfairly’ by NATO members
https://ift.tt/34RYsyv
A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man ” is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn’t matter who he or she will be”. So the man leaves the church and walks away
After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have me for just 20€? Who do you think I am? You'll need at least 100€." she says. The man is confused so he responds "I'm sorry, surely there has been a misunderstanding, the priest of the nearby church told me to give you 20€". She replays "now I see… listen to me darling, he pays 20 € because he is a loyal customer! But he can't send all his friend here expecting me to make discount for everyone! " P. S. I'm sorry for my very bad English :p
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What exactly happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee
I took the rear view mirror out of my car
i haven't looked back since
How can you tell if an ant is male or female?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant
Hey, did you hear the one about butter?
… nah, I shouldn’t spread it around
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper;
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Wise old saying
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
A Nike shoe factory burned down 🔥
1000 soles were lost.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
Joke
You could view the cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a big time spoiler….
“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space”
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

Devin Nunes has filed a lawsuit over this image … be a shame if … people were to see it …
https://ift.tt/2ODHMUp
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters! For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
Detroit isn’t That Bad… Trust Me
A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying. "No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family." The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great… you'll be fine, trust me." The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?" "I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck…"
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate
They'll kill your dog
What did helium say to the balloon?
Lighten up
If social distancing makes you feel lonely…
… just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.
A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.
J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!” P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven” The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. The first person to walk into the booth is a man. M- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I have lied to my wife” The janitor looks at the chart and finds lying J- “ just say 2 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgiven” The next person to walk into the booth is a little boy LB- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I stole something from the store” The janitor looks on the chart for stealing and says “ just say 3 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgiven” The next person to walk into the booth is a woman W- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I cheated on my husband and gave another man a blow job” The janitor looks on the chart for blow job but he can’t find it. The janitor runs out of the booth in a hurry and sprints into the church. In the church he spots an alter boy. J- “Timmy! Timmy! What does father Nelson usually give for a blow job! ?” Timmy- “ usually a bag of chips and a can of pop”
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho….
How in the world did I miss all the red flags?