Panzerfaust incoming! Got lube?
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling “Ok Boomer!”
It was a millennial falcon.
We should give credit to the number 2.
It became a prime number against all odds.
Atheism,
It’s a non-prophet organization.
What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball?
He was blown apart.
How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.
Daughter’s vibrator
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Many people say that a pirate’s favourite letter is R but…
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
Went to a surgeon to have my spine removed…
It was just holding me back.
Calculate your next travel destination for 2020. Guaranteed to be 100% accurate
https://ift.tt/2Y6EHCK
Duck fart
My daughter just looked at me funny when I farted next to her on the couch. She said it sounded like a duck. I replied with "Obviously, it came from my buttquack."
My wife is turning 32 soon…
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling
What do you call a rude grape?
…….Ungrapeful
Why don’t blind people pick up their guide-dog’s poop?
Because they can't see shit.
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
What sneakers to pedophiles wear?
White Vans
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
I tried my wife’s essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
Can people stop making coronavirus jokes
I’m getting sick of them
What do you call a dwarf from mexico?
A paragraph, because he's only a short ese.
What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?
I won't miss you.
They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on
