Parry this boi
Because dawn is tough on Greece
"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant. "No, it kills them."
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You ARE the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
… I didn’t like it at first.
She's starting to sound like my wife
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.” The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.” The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.” The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
Bond. James bond.
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂
The blacksmith returns to the forge as a cowboy walks into the shop and picks one up only to put it back down immediately. "Hot ain't they?" the blacksmith asks. The cowboy replies, "Nope. It just don't take me too long to look at horseshoes."
It dampens theirs spirits.
Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him. This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought. Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmer’s mouth, and he begin gasping for breath. All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, “Mr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?” Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. “The real choke is always in the commons,” he said.
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
It kept ringing
For some reason I was kicked out of the pet store
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
After all, it's cooked doe.
Wife said 'What are you doing?" I said I've seen this online it's called buffering
but when I do, he laughs
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium Me: So there's no nickel in this cage? PSW: Don't do it Me: It's a nickeless cage PSW: LEAVE!
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
Yo it was sick!
Is it now traffic jam
Why doesn't it only strike in France?
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
Incase they have to Draw blood.
Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing
I told her to please leave it in the jug. My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier 😀 The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
But so far I’ve made 2 Vases and a Jug and they are lovely.
It's like he blew up overnight.
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!