Part of the joke is fucking cut of because of it
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
My christmas plant has lost it’s leaves,
now it's a disapointsettia.
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t call his parents Mom and Dad.
He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed
and I won't rest until I find it.
Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.
Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran very quickly. – "I can't run that fast" – The monk thought. He started training. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the fastest monk in the whole world. He then returned to his farm. As always, the thief appeared and took 3 carrots. The monk started chasing him through the fields until they reached a fence. The thief jumped over it, but the monk stopped. – "I can't jump that high" – He thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the highest jumping monk. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence and they arrive at a lake. The thief jumps into it and swims away. – "I can't swim" – The monk thought. He trained for days, weeks, months, until he became the best swimmer among all monks. He returns to the farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, he chases the thief through the fields, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, they reach a mountain and the thief climbs it. – "I can't climb" – The monk thought. He started training climbing for days, weeks, months, until he became the best monk mountaineer in the world. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arived at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way. Suddenly, he punches the monk in the stomach. – "I can't fight" – the monk thought. He started training for days, weeks, months, until he became the best boxer of all monks. He returs to his farm, the thief steals 3 carrots, the monk chases him, they both jump the fence, swim across the lake, climb the mountain. When they both arive at the mountain top, the monk blocks the thief's way and knocks him down with one punch. – "Why are you only stealing 3 carrots at a time?" – He asked the thief. – "I will tell you, but promise to never tell anybody". And the monk kept his promise.
Our baby boy was actually born on the way to the hospital.
His name is Carson.
Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip….
On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital. Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery. After many hours of waiting, the surgeon finally comes to speak with him. “Mr. Smith, I’ve got some bad news for you. Your wife has been paralyzed from the neck down. She will be unable to perform even the most basic functions as a human being. You will have to feed her, bathe her, change her clothes, clean up her stool, and take her to many, many appointments for the rest of her life. This will be a true test of your love for this woman.” Upon hearing this news, Mr. Smith breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Just then, the surgeon smiles and pats him on the back. “Relax Mr. Smith. I was just fucking with ya….she’s dead.”
Son: “Do you want the wooden one or the plastic one?”
Dad: *Getting into row boat* "either oar"
I think im addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
My son’s math teacher called him average…
I just think he’s mean.
“This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
What kind of pants do the Mario bros wear?
denim denim denim
atlantis in the bathroom ???
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
Me: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
My wife said that I should start paying more attention to what’s going on around me.
I’ll try harder in 2018.
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
You use spring water.
What’s Forrest Gumps password?
1forrest1
I keep asking what LGBT stands for
But I never get a straight answer.
Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
I found someone else’s ID on the floor last week.
Oh well, new year, new me!
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry." The policeman fainted.
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring…
What do you call an accusatory reptile?
An allegator
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
He said "suit yourself."
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmation.
It was the least I could do for him.