Party of Law & Order. DunDun!
I want to tell you all about a girl that only ate plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.
This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It's still fowl language
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
God: “I didn’t say trumpets would signal the end of the world.”
"I said Trump/Pence."
Joke
A mother asks her son: "Bob, do you think I’m a bad mom?" – Son: "My name is Paul."
I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer, and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
I tried to catch some fog
I mist
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
The actor who played Bilbo is really upset that a supermarket opened up right next to his house.
Unexpected item in the Baggins area.
Scientists got bored of watching the moon for 24 hours
So they called it a day.
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.” The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.” The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(That’s it. That’s the joke)
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
A doctor says “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
Of all my body parts, my fingers are the most reliable.
I can always count on them.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A 4-chin-teller
I have a fear of speed bumps.
I am getting over it, slowly.
Stolen, but proves that Boomers have become self aware, their humour knows no bounds…
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