Pass the bill Mitch!
A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar
And that was just the first guy
What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?
A brothel sprout (I’ll let myself out)
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation.
My phone loves it when I drop it
It always cracks up
What is often at the beginning of a question
No text found
What did the zero say to the 8?
Nice belt
My uncle’s zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died
from being crushed by a giant crab.
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them. Mum said, “You should say “No”, they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
Due to the Covid-19 Quarantine…..
I’ll only be making inside jokes.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
It's really hard to quit cold turkey
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I’ll tell ya later
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house
It's the neighborhood watch.
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter…
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir." the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
Chocolate is like guns
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
I’m hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
This guy walks into a quiet bar.
He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo.”
Knock knock
Knock Knock Whose there? Grandad QUICK, STOP THE CREMATION!
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
My teeth need to be fixed.
They keep moving around.
What has two butts and kills people?
an assassin
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant:
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
