Pastabilities
What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Because curiosity killed them all.
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
It's really hard to quit cold turkey
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."
I once told a joke…
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"
If number 666 is evil,
then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell
A man wanted to have sex with a nun
A man wanted to have sex with a nun he saw every day at the bus station. One day, when they got on the bus, he asked her to have sex with him, but she refused. The bus driver heard their conversation and after she got off the bis, he told the man " Every night, she goes to the cemetery to visit Father Martin's grave, who died a few years ago. If you want to have sex with her, go to the cemetery dressed in black with your face covered and say: Maria, it's me, Martin. I have come to have sex with you before i go to heaven." The man did just as he was told. When he goes to the cemetery, he sees the nun staying in front of a grave with her face covered. The man approached her and said he was Father Martin and wanted to have sex with her. She said: "Fine, but do it in the ass so i can stay a virgin." After the man had sex with her, he uncovered his face and said: "Ha! It was me the whole time!", but then the one he thought was the nun turned around and said: "Ha! It is me, the bus driver!"
Some of my closest friends might describe me as “deceitful”.
Jokes on them, though. They aren't my friends.
A wise sage once told me, “don’t play with words…
play with yourself"
Recently I bumped into the guy that sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
When I want a sauna I must have the whole thing to myself.
I have selfish steam issues.
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path
They let me pick which medical school I'm going to
So, a snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “how did you do that?”
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar?
There, they’re, their.
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys…..
And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
