Good boomer humour from my textbook
Found on Facebook
What’s up, Steve?
Republicans really struggle with the difference
Weren’t you? Weren’t you though?
Hey, thanks! (Non-joke)
I've got a kid who's dealing with a pretty heavy anxiety disorder and mornings are particularly rough on him. Horrible jokes help distract him until everything kicks in, so I've been leaning on this sub. It's good to see him laugh and groan at the breakfast table and all of you monsters make that possible. So, yeah. From one dad to others (actual or honorary,) thanks for the assist.
Time to migrate
posted by my grandmother on facebook today
Thought it belonged here
When web dev turns serious
Someone clarified the Canadian F-35 marketing posters
Oh yeah, it’s all coming together
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
I was expecting cute dresses…
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
Every fricking time
Stackoverflow is god
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
She’s a one-woman army
Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
It’s alright. We know that feel.
Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
Can you believe this ?
Xiaomi: Don’t mind me
No text found
I’ll take 3 health bullets please
So a politician dies…
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you're a politician…" "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!" "Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears… And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds… Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right? "Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite… And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But… Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside…" Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear… And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep… And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well… I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again. The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???" "Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted…"
Ah yes, enslaved carbon
there seems to be no buttons at all, how did he turn on the tv
True just true.
the season finale is unfolding
I mean seriously
Now don’t be Russian to conclusions…
What’s a narcoleptic’s favorite country?
Still sticking with their savior
Tell this to the jock
Is this a good advice?
Found this on the facebook group “Victorian Humor”
Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”
The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband. The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to flicking channels and stuffing food in his mouth. The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. And turn the TV off. “Now you look here! You come home late, don’t even say hello, don’t explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn’t you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all you do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even…. The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. “Damn” he mutters to himself, “it’s started”.
A tad dark for this subreddit, but alas. Why is gun control even a partisan issue anymore?
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
virgin TCP vs chad UDP
Rubisco be like
Well, next year it’s gonna be one more thing – straps with jack.
April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing
Justice System, what Justice System?
What do you call a sad strawberry?
Why couldn’t the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
Petition to get SpaceX to send a Flat Earther into Space
Please don’t make pandemic jokes
They aren't funny unless everyone gets it
Last saturday I went to a stand up comedy event
The only joke there was me, so you can imagine how bad it was.
We just don’t “understand”
Told the guy in the computer shop that I wanted a hard drive.
He said I should try when it's icy on the roads.
Social Media Bad
When you try out a new language
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
So I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad
I said too bad they don't have windows
Alexa play despacito
When you realize the tester still was your friend
“OMG, what’s going on? I can see through you.”
"My son told me he is transgender." "So?" "That makes me transparent."
What’s the difference between golf and skydiving?
One goes WHACK! then “uh oh” and the other goes “uh oh” then WHACK!
Didn’t see that one coming
Why is Switzerland such a good country?
I’m not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
[OC] When you try to lend a helping hand ✨
Apparent force gang
Not having friends has turned me into a capitalist