Patriotism Vs. Nationalism, apparently we need the reminder.
It would be good to have one right about now
My daughter keeps complaining that I’m too nosy
Or at least that's what I read in her diary
My wife said “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot…”
It was a third degree burn
In a science project
My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over
I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
I might have to let her back in if it gets any worse
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive…
It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
Wtf is that minecraft enchanting table language
The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%
The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%
Welcome to Earth
*An interesting title*
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
I used to be an electrician…
…but the working conditions were shocking
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
I like the view
Friend sent this to me
What’s Forest Gump’s password?
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
My son is a man trapped into a woman’s body
He'll be born next month
This child knows nothing.
Found this in r/askreddit and felt it
You are a bold one
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover it’s butt-quack.
Preparing for their futures
A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:
The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything. He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee," "OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?" The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 points toward employment," then he asks " Are you disabled in any way?" The man says " Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer says " OK, you are a disabled veteran. That adds 5 more points to your employment. You're hired. Work is from 8am to 4pm and we expect you here at 10am. The man says " Wait, if work starts at 8am, why should I come in at 10?" The interviewer replies " Well, for the first two hours we just drink coffee and scratch our balls. No point in you coming for that"
I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers…
Times are rough.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on amazon.
I will let you know.
When your toddler is in the middle of a full scale tantrum.
Why is soy sauce forbidden in fights?
Cause you should never Kikkoman when he’s down.
What do you call a rodent with a machine gun?
Need some aloe for that burn
🤦♀️How To Pretend You Are An Awesome UX Designer😱 | funny (Sketch)
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s keys in the door. “Stay where you are”, she said. “He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice”.
The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept. A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue. The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He didn't move at all. They did it. A couple of hours later, she repeats the process – he is still passed out – they repeat the pairing. Then Just before dawn the wife wants one more ride. So she reaches over and plucks a third ass hair! Whereupon the husband looks at the lover and says, "I don't mind you screwing my wife but do you have to keep score on my ass??
Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?
You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.
wait for Donald
A dad was washing his car with his son
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted: “Uno…” “Dos…” And disappeared without a trace.
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy… that we have health insurance.
You’re a unit of power harry
I'm a WATT?? Sorry stole it from a pornhub comment made me laugh
My son just told me his first dad joke. He’s 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe….
They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time. The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!” The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. “Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!” The blonde mom rifles through her daughter’s purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit… Cindy has a dick.”
What do you call half of a Russian tree?
All in the mobster family
Why is 1 = 0
cos 0 = 1
Made me laugh
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: “One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters.”
The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters. Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters." The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought … then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men … it's a trap. There's two of them."
Facts baby, I need ’em.
The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver
When you start working for a company that doesn’t do code reviews
You are no longer allowed to wear underclothes. It is 2020. You know better.
When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself…
But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.