Pay it back. Duh
Living with Roommates
If any of you have roommates that you love to death, please don't watch this video. For those of you who have those roommates that drive you up a wall and you are questioning your sanity on a daily basis, please watch this video. Video Link: https://youtu.be/ec2giEHgg4I
Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.
I mean he just blew up overnight.
You know what’s really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
What has two butts and kills people?
an assassin
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
it's not hard.
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
Whoever stole my antidepressants..
I hope you're happy now.
I don’t like Civil War jokes
I General Lee don’t find them funny
A married couple was in a terrible accident…
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
My dad is a social distancing champion!!!
I havent seen him since 2005
There are 3 types of people in the world:
1: The ones who can count 3: The ones who can’t
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the Halibut
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months
I don’t like to interrupt her.
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
Have you guys tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing!
How would life be without women?
A pain in the ass…
My buddy went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
A husband died
A husband died. A few years later, his wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
When my wife and I got married, I was completely broke. But she stood by me.
She had to. We only had one chair.
Dont worry if a tree tries to bully you…
They're all Bark and no bite
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
When a knight in Prague dons his armor…
…the Czech is in the mail.