Pay more for crappier internet to own the libs!
I hate Russian dolls.
They're so full of themselves.
Life lesson
You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(edited)
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
Vote for whoever you want- but don’t say it will definitively work out this time.
https://ift.tt/2TgTgk9
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on “How to identify if a guy is gay”.
Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.
Two clowns were eating a cannibal
One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”
Hey, did you hear the one about butter?
… nah, I shouldn’t spread it around
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform…
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison?
Cause they know he actually did it.
3 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a Detective. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn’t spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
What’s the scariest cat
The one that made me puma pants.
The FBI isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is being attacked.
They now yell "Donald, duck!"
A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”
Why is 6 disgusted by 7?
Because 7pm.
What’s the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
Did you hear about the Utah National Guard’s new IMI-made .44 Magnum?
It's called the Deseret Eagle.
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan?
Come see, come saw
I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.
I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving. Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time…
… and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?" "Yes, " says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
A woman in the shower hears the doorbell. “It’s the blind man”. So she answers the door naked…
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
Urine trouble.
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
No text found
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."