Payback is a bitch
I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
I’d give my left bladder to be better in anatomy class.
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A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: "Why did you do that?" "Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow."
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
A man attempted to kill me in my own house last night…
Luckily I was in my living room.
A few minutes ago, my wife turned to me and whispered, “I want u so badly.”
We are playing Scrabble, and she has a Q that she can’t get rid off.
I really hate One Direction fans.
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
My parents say this sub will turn me into my father.
My bio says otherwise
A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese. "Fuck, I missed!" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing. "Fuck, I missed" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" Same thing happens a third time. Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says: "Fuck, I missed"
My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime
What do you call the bad side of Italy?
The spaghetto
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
Its a buccaneer
Son: “Do you want the wooden one or the plastic one?”
Dad: *Getting into row boat* "either oar"
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”
I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
If I’m offering you my seat, you fucking take it.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
I can cut wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?
They both give children serial numbers.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
It’s called a stain because it’s stay’n.
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