PC (Punny Computer)
I’m still not going to forgive them for all the running in high heels though.
https://ift.tt/2Y0bzgs
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.
As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small simple toys, and colorful eggs. She exited her Cadillac to take a closer look. A moment later an older man driving a red pickup truck pulled up behind her Cadillac. He was wearing overalls and muddied work boots, and had the look of a farmer. He noticed the woman's car had stickers on it for a famous cosmetics company, and true to that profession, her hair and makeup were exquisitely done. He walked up next to her to see what the issue was, took in the scene, and started sputtering, jaw agape. "Is that… is that… that can't be…" The woman's eyes narrowed, and her face set with a look of determination . She went to the back of her car, opened the trunk, and then walked up to the dead rabbit carrying an aerosol can. She liberally doused the bunny with the contents of the can, then hesitantly stepped back. After a few moments, the bunny leapt to its feet. It quickly gathered all the candy, eggs, and toys into its basket. It then hopped about ten feet down the road, turned, and waived. It then hopped another ten feet, turned, and waived. And again, and again, until after several minutes it had disappeared behind a hill. The farmer, having watched it all, turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, just exactly what was in that can?" The woman just silently handed the can to him. He took it and read the label. "Hair Spray. Brings new life to hair. Adds permanent wave."
Son: “Dad, your clothes look gay.”
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
A burglar stole all of my lamps.
I should be upset, but actually I’m delighted!
I hate autocorrect.
It makes me say thing I don't nintendo.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
One takes photos, the other takes five toes!
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
How does every racist joke start?
With a look over your shoulder
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me
A weasel walks in to a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
It is humorous because the gop genuinely think trump is beloved to ALL veterans
https://ift.tt/32aFD8i
Joe Biden dies…
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you're Joe Biden…" "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!" "Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says Joe Biden. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, Biden disappears… And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds… Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right? "Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite… And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" Biden asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But… Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside…" Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, Biden wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes Biden, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and the person he admired the most, Strom Thurmond. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear… And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, Biden falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep… And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says Biden. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well… I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says Biden. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again. Biden wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???" "Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted…"
So there’s a fly…and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, “is there a gnat on my back?” The gnat says, “gnat at all.” The fly says, “that’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard. ” The gnat goes, “what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!”
What’s a pirate’s favorite juice?
The Hi-C
I made a chemistry joke yesterday in class
It had no reaction.
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese. "Fuck, I missed!" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing. "Fuck, I missed" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" Same thing happens a third time. Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says: "Fuck, I missed"
Unbelievable! 364 Days until Christmas…
…yet there is deco everywhere already!
I won’t do any threesome.
If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents.
My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex
He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex. Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building. Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.
What’s the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends
Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing. "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!" The man red in the face wincing in pain is obviously not impressed by her apology. The woman goes on and explains "luckily I am a nurse. Maybe I could feel around and check to make sure everything is ok?". The man replies exasperated "sure sure do whatever, owww". So the nurse drops to her knees pulls the man's pants down and begins to massage his testicles checking for damage. "And how is that, any better?" she asks. To which the man replies: "Well it feels great but I still think my fucking thumb is broken!"
I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant
They changed my mind
Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.” His roommate replies, “Canadian.” Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.” The roommate can only reply, “Phil.” Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.” His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”
I applied so much spray deodorant in 2008 that a man suffocated.
Does that make me an Axe murderer?
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."