Peace was never an option
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She keeps running away from the ball.
Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?
Too many handshakes
The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said “Window or Aisle” ?
I replied "Window or you'll what ?"
Wife: honey, I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid.
Husband, with tears of joy going down his face: Hi I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid, I’m dad
Did you hear about the banana that was a prosecutor?
He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: You’re fired.
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dislexic and an agnostic?
Somebody who stays up all night, debating whether or not there is a dog.
My 4 year old asked me what you call flying food
I literally had no idea where this was going but he goes really daddy a jelly-copter
Why can’t a bike stand up on it’s own?
It's too tired.
Yo, wanna hear a joke about someone who never goes outdoors?
Nah on second thoughts you won't get it. It's an inside joke.
Two guys are on a boat with 3 cigarettes and nothing to light them with.
They threw one over board and the boat is now a cigarette lighter.
I’m as humble as equal sign.
I know I’m not > or < than any anyone else
What do boobs and the sun have in common?
You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick from her purse, instead of her lip stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
I hope someone woke up Green Day
No text found
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He'll be born in April
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it
It's true I saw it with my own eyes
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
…Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
“Tell me what you want.” I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned…
"I want my guitar back."
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
When I see lovers’ nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl…
He never slept on the train with his mouth open again… -Martin Mladenov
So, a snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “how did you do that?”
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
I adopted a goat for my son called Roxanne.
"I wish you'd called me something else," he often says.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From the well, actually.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk”
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
A new Tesla doesn’t come with the new car smell…
It comes with an Elon Musk.
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
