Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
A limbo champion walks into a bar…
he is immediately disqualified.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
I’m going to hell for this one….
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks “Do we have time?”
Listen in the shell, Agustin – Thanks dad, I’ve already downloaded the sea sound app.
https://ift.tt/2Rbu90Z
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT
A guy gets hit by a car.
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.
Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."
I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy.
Wanted: man has been stealing tires off police cars.
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.
My wife texted me: “Why are you typing everything in lowercase?”
Me: i stopped giving a shift.
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
I’m honestly getting concerned when thinking about this.
Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. Mommy, what were you doing to daddy? Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out. The little girl starts laughing. What's so funny hunny? You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. “T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL”
I said, can't turn that down.
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
What’s the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant?
About 3,000 miles.
Got laid off today, boss hadn’t removed me from all chats, so I left on my own terms.
https://ift.tt/2VuzQKk
The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.
Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
Females are just males…
but with more iron.
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
The snow yeti stopped doing sas-squats and started doing sit ups.
Now he's the Abdominal Snowman.
Long Joke
Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster until the train derailed and killed one person. Bob was taken to trial and was found guilty of murder, sentenced to death by electric chair. Now Happytown was no normal town. They strongly believed in religion. This caused the town’s special rule: if a person survives the electric chair for fifteen minutes straight, it is considered divine intervention and they are free to go. So Bob is sent to the electric chair. The executioner offers him his final meal. Bob asks for a single banana. Then, the executioner hooks Bob up to the electric chair and turns it on. Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still alive and well, so he is let go. Two days later, Bob manages to get his job back as conductor for the Happytown train. Just like before, he decides to see how fast he could go. He goes faster and faster until the train derails once again, killing two people this time. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by the electric chair. Bob shows up to the chair and is offered his last meal by the executioner again. This time, Bob asks for two bananas. He eats the bananas and the the executioner turns on the chair. Low and behold, fifteen minutes later, Bo had not yet come even close to death. The executioner let him go and Bob went on his way. Around a week goes by and Bob manages to get his job back as the conductor (Happytown must have been really desperate for train conductors to hire him once again). Just like the last two times, Bob goes too fast and details the train, killing three people. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by electric chair. When Bob arrived for his execution, he asked for three bananas for his final meal, but the Executioner recognized him and was annoyed. The executioner told Bob “I’ve had enough of this. I’m not just gonna let you get by murdering people again and again, so I’m not letting you have your magic bañas that somehow keep you alive.” The executioner then attached Bob to the chair without giving him his bananas and turned the chair on. Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still sitting there as if nothing is going on. Astounded, the Executioner stares at Bob and goes, “How are you doing this?” Bob relies, “The bananas have nothing to do with it. I’m just a really bad conductor.”
A washed up actor hasn’t gotten a job in years. He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.
When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a rose; bring it close to your nose with your thumb, index, and middle fingers; and sniff it deeply. Then you will say, 'Oh, the smell of my lover.'" When it comes time for him to say his line he walks onto stage and says, "Oh, the smell of my lover." With this the crowd begins to laugh hysterically and the director explodes with anger. The actor runs off stage and asks, "Did I forget my lines?" The director replies, "No! You forgot the flower."
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
It's not hard