Peek aunt humor is always about drinking wine/“I’m lazy”/“I’m a bitch”
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
You boil the hell out of it.
Then I had an OH moment.
When he was finished, he said to the farmer, "That's all fifty sheep!" Confused, the farmer said, "But I only have forty-eight sheep." The sheepdog replied, "I know. I rounded them up!" courtesy of my desktop dog calendar I got last xmas
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield… the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
Me and my recliner go way back.
Because they have big fingers!
Simple, put it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
Because they have no body to go with.
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they’d be be gross, but they were actually pretty good…
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
His name is Fidough
Just remember that it's somebody's job to install turn signals to BMW's
I don't know how to feel about it
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Because of all the knights.
The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill: "I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!" The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting they hear the voice again: "I bet one Finn can beat a hundred Soviets!" The officer, now enraged, sends a hundred soldiers to silence this cocky Finn. A few minutes of shooting and screaming later, the voice shouts again: "I bet one Finn can beat a thousand Soviets!" The officer is now absolutely furious with this enemy, but knows that nobody could possibly beat 1000 soldiers alone, so he accepts the challenge once more and sends 1000 of his men. Nearly 15 minutes of shooting, screaming, and bright flashes later, a lone Soviet soldier comes crawling back over the hill with severe burns, covered in blood and half of his leg mangled. Panicked, he yells to his comrades: "Don't go up there! It's a trap! There are actually two of them!"
Boil the heck out of it.
Because you can’t C in the dark
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
"I said Trump/Pence."
She looked surprised!
Because noble gasses don’t cause a reaction
But a Tiger Wood!