Peeking at birds instead of you
It was harder to deter gents.
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
An ARRRgument with his wife
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
I wish I had a pony.
looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
She still isn't talking to me.
So my grandma just found out how to read updates and it said updated in the backround and said i always see that but i dont see them in thr backround
Or sew it seams
They steal all of the bases.
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
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Q: Why did the window frame hurt? A: It had window pains!
They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My house is full of light switches!
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
I said, "No man, that would just make us even."
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I’ll beheading there soon.
Put a little boogie in it!
I take that as a compliment…
Dad: No, why would I pick you?
I was having sex with my friend’s wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.
She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me…
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Because he was 2²
By walking… JK rolling
I might have to let her back in if it gets any worse
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
Actual conversation today. My wife: “i’m tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?”
Me: I don't know. Emerg? Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine? Me: Sleep medicine? Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need? Me: Probably night school. edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.
My 5 year old granddaughter kept following me while holding a bucket. I asked her what the bucket was for and she said . . .
“Dad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”
We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school. My friend said, “What do you think it’ll be like?”
I said, “Remains to be seen.”
He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
Because he'd Benedicted to it. I thought of this joke over 20 years ago as a kid lol
They turnip the beets.
And a Czech one too. A Czech one too.