Pen and paper is a great way to write stuff down, but I prefer using a whiteboard.
They’re just so remarkable…
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
(My dad literally just told me this joke) A friend of mine just bought a hand gun from a t-rex.
He’s a small arms dealer.
I was warned not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I am willing to take.
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
I got food poisoning at a German festival
It was the wurst.
Two termites walk into a bar and ask
Is the bar tender here?
8 Cyber-Security Blunders told through GIFs
Working in IT can all be very exhausting. For all the chief information security officers (CISOs), IT directors, technicians, and any other IT administrator out there grappling with these complex issues, this blog can hopefully bring a smile to your face on a topic, that can typically be exhausting.https://ift.tt/33YMqDH
Devin Nunes has filed a lawsuit over this image … be a shame if … people were to see it …
https://ift.tt/2ODHMUp
Couples Therapist: So, tell me what brings you here today?
Her: It’s really difficult to live with him. He is so literal. Me: My truck.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”
Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together…
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but… Again a tuna sandwich?" The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too… Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too…" The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches… How could I have expected…". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna…why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand… She prepared her own meals!"
Did you know that Terry Crews once had a heckler that mysteriously dropped dead?
Doctors said the man had died from dissin’ Terry
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
Whats red and smells like yellow paint
Red paint
How does Jesus make tea?
He brews it
My hair is tied up
It's got a lot to do today
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
Did you know vampires arent real?
Unless you Count Dracula
Knock knock
Who’s there? Yah. Yah who? Sorry I prefer Google.
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
So a group of nuns is golfing near some men
A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball. Man: God damnit, I missed. A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again Man: Damnit, I missed again! Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell. The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail. Man: God fucking damnit! The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
What’s the fastest way for Harry Potter to get down the mountain?
Running, jk rowling
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
"No idea, they just ransomware."
The national Origami Championship is on television tonight.
It's on paper view.
