Pence Pride
Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
Astronaut 1: I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
TIL: Children are born with four kidneys.
When they get older, two of them become adult knees.
Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.
I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.
You ever look at an ancient watering hole and go
“This aged well.”
A guitarist goes to prison
In the cafeteria, everyone is telling stories on why they’re here One man explains how he got caught robbing a bank Another tells the story of him getting busted selling drugs Another says how he killed someone Then they all ask the guitarist why he’s in here He replied: I fingered the wrong minor
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Mississippi!
I had a granny that we couldnt decide whether to bury or cremate
In the end we decided to just let her live.
An american farmer visits Germany
In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"
Courtesy of whoever did this originally. I saw the question, and I took the chance.
https://ift.tt/33R4FtB
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
This man’s boss said, “You can have a week off if you want to.”
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank…
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?
Because the trees can speak for themselves
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
BA-DUMM-TSS
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Oh no… I copied the wrong document…
… it was an original mistake.
I went to the grocery store.
The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.
Teenage boy: “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
New Tesla’s dont have a new car smell
The come with a Elon Musk.
Why can’t you email a photo to a jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
What do interstates eat their peanut butter with?
Traffic jam!
One in 3 Americans
weighs as much as the other two combined
So, little Johnny has a report due for government class…
He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this: I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class. So that night, little Johnny is trying to figure out what his dad meant, and got up to get a drink. On his way to the kitchen, he watched his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend. He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he saw his dad sneak down to the maid's room. The next morning he tells his dad, so I think I have it figured out. His dad asks, so how do you think it works? Little Johnny says: "The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is screwing the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen…"
Australians don’t have sex
They m8
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
