Penguins be like
He pasta way.
.. p and a.
It only made it more sluggish.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.
A broken drum Nothing can beat it!
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
"What the heck." He says to himself. "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. "What’s the name of your willy?" The cowboy says. "Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink." "The gay waiter says. "I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks. "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies. "‘Cause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking." A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says….. "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds. "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says. "I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!" And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. "Why Secret?" The cowboy says. "Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.
He must have realised that marriage counted as a union
He felt his presents.
The results speak for themselves.
My bosses tie
If you do it you'll see why.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you. Husband: What's up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid Husband: Well you don't remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pissed and spoiled his underwear. Then you said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
I always say, "No, thank you. I'm not interested. But thank you for considering me, good day."
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.
It was difficult to deal with.
Since then my muggings have been a lot more successful.
“Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.” “Yeah, I know.” He looked confused. “Then why are you here?” “The light was on.”
Husband: “Ok… but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high”
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me…£380." "I refuse to pay," I told him. "You have to," he insisted. "Well then, you'll have to fight me for it." So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten. He said, "£380. Cough it up." "No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
It seems she's buy-sexual
I'm finally above average for something
He wants to make America grate again.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man. "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man. "These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated. As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!" "Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
It runs in your jeans.
They're really making headlines!