Penis joke 😳😳😳😳😳😎
Hi everyone 24(F) here
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Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart?
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
This is a Mean joke.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
I just cross-bred an alligator and a homing pigeon.
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
What type of bread can fly?
A plane bagel
I sat my son down and said, “Look son, in life if you act like a pussy then you’ll never get any pussy”
My wife said, “Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him?” I said, “Sorry dear, it won’t happen again” My son said, “I see what you mean Dad.”
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
Why did the blind girl fall into the well?
She couldn’t see that well
A man visits the council to apply for a job
During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer replies "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment." After this, he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The applicant says "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles" After hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day" The man is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don't you want me here until 10am?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that"
Im not a father but I make dad jokes.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired.
I find radishes to be kind of cool.
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“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
Did you know that a piranha can eat a kid down to the bone in 8 seconds…
anyways I lost my job at the aquarium today
A little known fact…
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, “Paper or plastic?” She responded, “It makes no difference to me. You choose.” The bagger explained that he isn’t allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
I used to think all black people had boomboxes.
Turned out it was just a stereo type.
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
I don’t understand the opposition to same sex marriage.
Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?
English puns make me feel numb
But math puns make me feel number
I saw a movie about tarantulas in my chemistry class.
I'm never stepping foot in that room again.
I once knew a dyslexic, agnostic, paranoid insomniac.
He'd lie awake at night wondering if there's a dog.
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
When a Tesla drifts,
It's called the electric slide
I can’t believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
Whoever stole my antidepressants
I hope you're happy now
Today just shocked my whole life
First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines
But catscan
At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off…
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
