People are injecting racehorses with steroids, but the cops are finding it difficult to convict them.
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money
She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with. After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit in the bank.'$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table. Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from. 'Gambling' she muttered. 'What kind of gambling?' the president asked. 'Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.' 'Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win.' 'Would you care to accept the bet, then?' asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone. 'Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!' 'Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?' 'Sure' said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone. That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet. The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet. 'So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!' The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted… after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000! That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall. 'What's the problem with your attorney, m'am?' 'Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand.'
A blonde was touring a farm…
…and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?" "There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off. That particular cow doesn't have horns because it's a horse."
Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen.
Shit. Wrong thread.
A man goes to a doctor
A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can." I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I’d say your leg appears to be broke in three places."
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for
And I’m not getting any straight answers.
Why was mission control so tense when NASA launched a cow into orbit?
It was a high steaks mission.
Have you heard of atheism?
It’s a non-prophet organization
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.
In order the figures were: 1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David. After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. 4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads: "Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
Educated people are hot
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner
"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
Cole’s Law
Dad: “Have you hear of Murphy’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “Yes” Dad: “Have you heard of Cole’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “No” Dad: “It is thinly sliced cabbage”
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.
Looking for hot singles in your area? Or maybe tens or twenties?
Check out Tender!
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
My teacher said I wouldn’t be good at poetry because of my dyslexia.
So far I have made three jugs and a vase so fuck you, Mr. Johnson!
My first job was working at an orange juice factory
..but, I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
3 weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair
I've heard nothing since.
I was interviewing for a job and they asked if I would be alright with travelling –
I said – "Definitely not – I play basketball by the rules"
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
A friend asked me,” What rhymes with orange?”
I said," No, it doesn't."
“So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?”
"Both , now get in the van ."