People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar.
What did the ghost say to the bartender when he entered the bar?
"I'm just here for the boos."
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself
By your excuses combined, I have zero responsibility! Total authority is mine!
https://ift.tt/2VKNxUV
What do gender identities and the twin towers have in common?
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
How many cops does it take to push a black man off the stairs?
None, he fell off.
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
How do you collect data on how strong a river is?
You make a flowchart
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobees
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
A man goes on a business trip to Japan
In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting: Hasimota! Hasimota! Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few japanese businessmen on a golf course. One of the businessmen makes a shot and, surprisingly, scores a hole in one. Everyone applauds and the foreign man, wanting to sound clever, shouts: Hasimota! The man who scored the shot turns to him and asks in confusion: "What do you mean 'Wrong hole!'?"
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
My wife bought a new bra, it’s really hard to unhook.
I don't know why I put it on in the first place.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
Due to the quarantine
I’ll only be telling inside jokes
A wife is clearing out her closet
And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop” The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes” And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”
Scientifically a raven has 17 primary wing feathers.
The big ones at the end of the wing. These feathers are called pinion feathers. A crow has sixteen. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
How does a computer science major pick up girls?
Oh shit thought this was google
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
That’s just how I roll.
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most only have 4 🙂
If you think 2020 puns are bad this year, just wait until next year.
Hindsight will be 2020.
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
I was surprised when I caught my son smoking weed upstairs…
I never imagined my house would have a drug attic.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
