People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.
Apparently it's ill eagle.
Because they did it before it was cool
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
A synonym roll…
“Son, I bet you can’t wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!” The private emphatically replies, “No sir! Once I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in line again. “
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
You'll get jurasskicked..
Because it has two shifts
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”
Not enough people really talk about England very much
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear Dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
No text found
I will find you. You have my Word!
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?" The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"
Dad: No, it doesn’t
She can't hear me otherwise.
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
But, I just didn't have the patients…
I won't be able to live with myself.