People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Got my dad with this one
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.
Did you know that you’re not supposed to make sick bird puns?
Apparently it's ill eagle.
Which Disney Park ride has the most area for people to wait?
Space Mountain.
THIS is what I saw when I turned on my computer today… What year is it again?
https://ift.tt/2qaiYuH
Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?
Because they did it before it was cool
If con is opposite of pro..
then is Congress the opposite of progress?
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
What’s the difference between a pest and vermin?
Walt Disney.
A drill sergeant is yelling at private.
“Son, I bet you can’t wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!” The private emphatically replies, “No sir! Once I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in line again. “
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
Did you know the keyboard never sleeps
Because it has two shifts
I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body
Now I know not to keep the superglue and the lube in the same drawer.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Bernie Sanders confronted the head of the NSA and asked him why they are still illegally surveilling Americans.
The guy replied, “Some people just like to watch the world, Bern.”
Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?
Not enough people really talk about England very much
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
The rules for religions and penises are the same.
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear Dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
Some may find it funny, some may find it sad. I make all of these out of dead rats!
https://ift.tt/2W2uLri
father: how are your grades son?
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
How does music say goodbye
Audios
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
Whiteboards are remarkable.
No text found
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:
I will find you. You have my Word!
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a Detective. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
I left some change in my pants pocket
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
Two windmills are in a field.
One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?" The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesn’t
Big shoutout to my great grandmother!
She can't hear me otherwise.
I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.