People need to learn using multiple templates isn’t funny
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
I suffer from really bad migraines.
Which is better than suffering from really good ones.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, especially imitation.
an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, especially imitation.
The joys of a “custom” CMS…
If I never have to deal with another “custom CMS” ever again, it’ll be too soon… The latest one that’s been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, “Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie
I was at a really emotional wedding today…
Even the cake was in tiers.
My sister just lost her tongue in a bad accident.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
I was scheduled to teach a course in Origami, but then decided to give up.
Too much paperwork.
Why was Pavlov’s hair soft?
Because he conditioned it
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie…
…for Ash Wednesday.
Lions, Humans, music, oh my!
At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
What do the testicles of a priest look like?
Silly question, every child knows that.
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
/r/Jokes/comments/bj9t8d/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
What does a lawyer wear to court
A lawsuit
For the golfers with good taste in memes
For the golfers with good taste in memes
A bear walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a………………beer." The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
Kung Fu student asks his teacher: “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.”
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy – "It's dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball glove." Man – Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy – "$750." Man – "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"