People never believe me when I tell them that I got my incredibly detailed tattoo in Spain.
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.
A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?" The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip your finger into the holy water, and you may pass through the gate." The second girl, Kelly, says "I once fondled with one…" st Peter replies "alright, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a commotion amongst the group and one of the girls pushes her way to the front. St Peter says "Jennifer! what's the rush?" The girl replies "if I'm going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Tammy sticks her ass in it!"
how it feels trying to learn a language
how it feels trying to learn a language
My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.
It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Hindus are so chill
i’ve never had beef with any of them
I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.
An Irishman walks into an American bar
He sits down and orders 3 beers. “You know, you don’t have to order these all at once – I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender. “Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin together,” and he chugs them all down. Every day for months, the Irishman comes in and does the same thing, until one day he orders only two beers. The bartender’s heart sinks, knowing the Irishman must have lost one of his brothers. “Im so sorry,” he says, “did one of your brothers pass?” “Of course not, they’re fine!” says the Irishman, “I’ve just quit drinkin!”
Steve Jobs would’ve made a better president than Donald Trump
But that's comparing apples to oranges
What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?
Screw is what my dad did before I was born. Bolt is what he did after I was born.
Just used some stolen hair dye…
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
The GOP is apparently ok with extremely late term abortions if the stock market is suffering
https://ift.tt/2KdS7EF
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
My wife thinks I’m a light sleeper. I disagree.
I sleep in the dark.
My son’s math teacher called him average…
I just think he’s mean.
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
I can really see myself doing that.
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.
Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it. While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"
Halloween dad joke
why don't skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with haha
My friend received some land to build on…
He said, "Thanks, a lot".
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
I don’t care that i can’t scrape cheese.
I have grater problems to worry about.
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
Why was the grape arrested?
He did a sult-ana
If your Tesla gets stolen,
is it called an Edison now?
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
My dad told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”
Great man, terrible geologist
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
Some people think that boomboxes are really old school.
I think it's just a stereotype.
I finally figured out why the air mattress thought it was better than all the other regular mattresses
Turns out, it had an inflated ego
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.