People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
I found out why everyone is collecting TP
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ….. and … paper always beats rock
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds
Blond and bodybuilder
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" … Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…
My son asked me, “Dad, what is coincidence?”
I said, “Weird. I was about to ask you the same thing.”
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
Found on my Grandma’s Facebook page
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
Wife: whatever means necessary. Me: No it doesn't.
Found at the local thrift shop
A picture from my English textbook
Testing in Production
I’m sure that extra ‘=’ makes your life so much more difficult
Disney+ throwing some shade that hit too close to home.
One of my 9th graders told me this joke. A guy was being investigated by the IRS…
A guy was being investigated by the IRS. After dodging the agent for weeks, his family convinced him to go get a lawyer and go talk to the irs agent. The guy goes to see the lawyer and they ride together to the IRS office to see what the problem is. The IRS agent meets the guy and tells him he has dozens of huge lumps of income with no taxes paid and no explanation. These were deposits of 1000, 5000, even 75000 dollars. The guy listened and offered an explanation. “I make bets with people, and I tend to win” The IRS agent found this very hard to believe. “You expect me to believe that? Someone make a 75 grand bet and paid it?” The guy offered an example. “I’ll bet you a thousand bucks right now that I can bite my own eye” The IRS agent thought to him self and accepted the bet. Thinking it was impossible. So the guy took out his glass eye, bit it, and put it back in his head. The IRS was shocked The guy offered another bet. “You don’t know me and that was unfair. I’ll bet you 5 grand I can bite my other eye” The IRS agent thought that would surely be impossible. He saw the man drive to his office with the lawyer. And he was the one driving. So he accepts the bet. The guy then takes out his false teeth, bites his other eye and puts them back in his mouth. The IRS agent was shocked. The guy offered him a way to break even. “I’ll bet you 6 thousand dollars I can pee into that coffee cup on your desk from across the room without getting a drop on the floor” Thinking it’s impossible and wanting his money back he accepts again. So the man stands against the far wall, gets ready to pee, and just end up peeing all over the agent’s carpet and chairs and walls. Only a drop landed in the cup. The IRS agent was ecstatic. Jumping up and down, cheering, and just excited he didn’t owe this guy 6 grand anymore. Then he spots the lawyer in the corner. “Why do you look so upset? Your clients free to go. No more investigation.” The lawyer gets up and says, “He bet me 200 thousand dollars on the way here that he’d pee all over your office and you’d love it.”
I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.
Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?
Because she took him for granite.
Yes, I have aids
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
If cows don’t have Internet, how do they order things?
From a cattle log.
xkcd – Security
Why do keyboards never sleep?
Because they have 2 Shifts…
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
I named my dog “Wifi”…
Because I stole it from my neighbor…
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
Recursion well explained
I hate Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves
Big brain time
Just gonna go to the bathroom for a bit, nothing special.
Ass wipes they are
“Haha big fart”
I want to share a Russian pun with you all
but if no one likes it and it gets down-voted then so-v-iet
This is beyond despicable.
Nice to meet you
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
What do you discover when you find bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
it’s the thought that counts, i guess?
I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant…
She said, “Thanks dad, that means a great deal.”
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
Facebook is a goldmine right now
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny!
Judge: Stuck in a penny? Lawyer: Yes, he’s in a cent!
This is big brain time
In my day…
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
He showed up
I have never seen this many politival statements in one image.
My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me “The Love Machine”.
Because I suck at tennis.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip.”
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
Someone broke into my place and stole my limbo stick.
Just how low can some people go?
When the new junior dev joins the project
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
Time of Death
What i If told you:
You read the title wrong.
Nobody’s knows more about border disputes than me.
Boomer Pussy Humor
The dude want’s to know !
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up. Aww, that is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.
My Wife wore a “Vaccines cause autism” shirt
She was insulted, punched and spit on Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
Can I get asian supreme please…?
This is my favorite boomer humor ever