People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid…
Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!
Wife: Honey, I’m going on a business trip to London.
….What gift do you want? . . . . . . Husband: A British girl would be nice. Wife: Okay. Wife completes her trip and returns home. Husband: So did you bring me a British girl? Wife: Yeah. Husband: Where is she? Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.
A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.
Too many plot holes.
Why did the hipster fall into the lake?
He went ice skating before it was cool.
My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath…
Knock knock Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub before I dwown.
I threw a firecracker towards a dart board.
It was bang on target.
I ate a clock yesterday and it was very time consuming.
especially when I went for seconds
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
Did you know chickens die after sex?
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
Sometimes my son breaks into hives.
Not sure why he hates bees so much.
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina…
Allow me to demenstruate.
A Brexit walks into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
I have a confession to make, I was addicted to soap.
But Iโm clean now.
How warm is a janitor’s closet?
Broom Temperature.
A man was driving down the road
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officerย looked in the back of the manโs truck and said, โWhy are these penguins inย your truck?โ The man replied, โThese are my penguins. They belong to me.โ โYou need to take them to the zoo,โ the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulledย him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they wereย wearing sunglasses this time. โI thought I told you to take theseย penguins to the zoo!โ the officer said. โI did,โ the man replied. โAnd todayย Iโm taking them to the beach."
What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common?
Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance
Unfortunately she blew it
A burglar stole all of my lamps.
I should be upset, but actually Iโm delighted!
I was sexually active at 12
Itโs now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them
Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage. They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each. Jim said, "Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The bartender will get mad and throw us out." They did exactly that, and sure enough, the bartender threw them out of the Pub. They then went from pub to pub, had free drinks, and each & every time, they were thrown out. By the time they got to the 10th pub, John said, "I can't do this anymore, I am drunk & my knees are killing me." Jim replied, "How do you think I feel.. I can't even remember at which pub I lost the Sausage!!
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?โ The guy replies, "Well that was my wifeโs seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.โ The man says back, "Thatโs terrible, but couldnโt you get another close family member to come with you?โ The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it,
you need to address that situation.
This is one from one of my preschoolers: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crumby.
(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..
What a bunch of sick fucks
I canโt stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it…….followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting. When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
A lesbian mermaid is called an h2omosexual
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I got fired from my job at the bank today
An old lady asked me to check her balance – so I pushed her over
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
What’s one vegetable you should NEVER bring on a boat?
LEEKS. (my 10yo told me this – he said he thought it up himself.)
What’s the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
Why couldn’t Emperor Augustus attend the silent disco?
Because he was 2 BC.
Hmm…Adidas, Reebok, or Puma…What do you guys think?
My partner thinks Adidas, but I think Reebok is a good name for a baby boy.
What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards
A receding hareline
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes that its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he leaves. When he arrives home, his wife is waiting for him and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!" she asks. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and… "You liar!! You went bowling again!!"
How did Helen Keller know an angel was always watching over her?
It was Heaven-scent