People who wear glasses must be excited for next year
It's the first time they'll see 2020
Why do seagulls travel over the sea?
Because if they traveled over the bay, they’d be bagels
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
Did you hear about the lumberjack’s first day on the job?
He got the axe after making a cutting remark about some dead wood.
Flat earthers have been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off.
Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.
There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why? Everyone knows… You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone
A bar walks into Albert Einstein.
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
Our mailman got a sex change
so we call him the postman now.
I have joke about left-handers.
The only issue is I’m having trouble finding the right audience.
It was a sad day on Sunday
But the day before was a Saturday.
My buddy said ‘There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.’
I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly', he replied.
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
What jokes are allowed during quarantine?
inside jokes 😀
What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck. Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
“Hey Bud, why don’t you use condoms?”
"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."
Spent $400 on a limo, but I didn’t get a driver for it.
All that money, and nothing to chauffeur it.
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi
I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
When a Tesla drifts,
It's called the electric slide
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
I don’t know why
Nympho on a plane
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.98, deer nuts are under a buck.
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
Why can’t werewolves tell time
Because they are not when wolves
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat
'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher 'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy 'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher 'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"