People with diarrhoea are easy-going…
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A wife goes to her husband and says…
"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.
Just so everyone is clear
I will put my glasses on.
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
He goes undercover
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
What do you call a fear of giants?
Fe-Fi-Phobia
A native American shaman had an apprentice
One day the apprentice said to his mentor, "You take long trip. I try be shaman for summer." The shaman asked, "Why should I take trip?" The apprentice tried bribery. "If you take trip, I feed you belly full." The shaman agreed, so the apprentice gave his mentor a big meal, and the next day the shaman left on his long trip. But the apprentice turned out to be a terrible shaman. Within a week, the chief could not take it anymore, and left to search for the old shaman. He found him and begged, "Please come back to tribe." The shaman asked, "Why should I come back?" The chief tried bribery. "If you come back, I feed you belly full." The shaman agreed, so they both went back, and the chief gave the shaman a big meal. When the apprentice saw his mentor had returned, he asked, "Why back so soon?" The old shaman explained, "Full me once, shaman you. Full me twice, shaman me."
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
What’s the point of swearing if you are gonna censor it anyway?
What’s the point of swearing if you are gonna censor it anyway?
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But it’s not hard.
What do you call a werewolf youtuber?
A lycansubscribe!
My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic….
Eaten alive by a giant ass crab
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
I bought myself a snail to race other snails..
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs
…like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
Don’t spell part backwards
It's a trap
My cousin is mute and likes to communicate via embroidery
I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie
We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields. My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse. Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion. Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird like that. I, being a countryside kid, liked horses and riding them. Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you". They meant it, they'd done it before. Few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored and climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me. They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me ridin’ Dirty.
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
Yesterday I was so hungry I ate a clock
It was pretty time consuming
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar.
I know because they told everyone within two minutes.
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
I left my wife because she was so obsessed with counting..
I wonder what she's up to now 🤔
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote so he gives them a test.
He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have." Then he proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given. He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son. "How much digging have you been able to do?", he asks. "3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work" The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well. "10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage." The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son. "How much mining have you been able to do?", asks the father. "35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget." The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping, "how were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?" "I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"
Why did the beaver suddenly quit work?
Because he hated his dam job.