People write “congrats” because

I learned next to nothing.

If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"

A shoe.

I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.

Pop music!

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

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The whole bar died laughing

Stop school shootings

They're just remarkable

"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these — they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?

Just paramedics and someone else if they’re patient enough

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“Thank you for your service”

Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired! Me: hurray! I got a Yob!

HDMI

They're really making headlines!

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

Pretty nuts

Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.

I heard they got a nap for that.

It was the alpaca-lips.

HeHe

We're in a bit of a pickle!

One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."

A non-prophet one

I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed.

I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.” The doctor then adjusted the machine to 50% pain transfer. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, their neighbor was dead on the porch.

It was a little pail…… 😁

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted” he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive” he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved” he went back to school, where he coincidentally was tasked to perform a bake sale. his teacher walked by and he chanced upon this opportunity to tell his teacher the three quotes, the teacher bought a cupcake and the boy said, “a fool and his money are soon parted” in rage, the teacher got angry and said, “i want to send you to the principals office” he then replied, “ask and you shall receive” at the principals office, he was told by him that he will be punished if he does not stop such behaviour, the boy finally replied, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is tested” much to everyone’s surprise the spanish inquisition arrived

Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”

A neigh-sayer. 😛

Polio

I said maybe.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around, and we'll keep it between ourselves". The rabbi sees no problem with the idea, and agrees. Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere seemingly a group of children appear on the beach. The priest quickly takes his hands and covers his penis, while the rabbi uses his hands to cover his face. Later, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks "why did you cover your face and not your penis when those kids showed up on the beach?" The rabbi responds "father, I don't know about you, but my congregation knows me by my face".

It was hard to grasp.

but to me that's just a minor problem

It has a lot of sin

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."

They’re pair-a-medics

They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back with 10 pieces of the same fruit." So the men break off and search for fruit. First one comes back with a 10 apples. The chief says "If you can shove those up your ass without making a sound, we wont eat you." He barely fits the one before he whimpers in pain so the cannibals eat him. Now the second guy makes it back with a 10 cherries. Chief says "Like I told the last guy, if you can shove those up your ass without a sound, you can live." Its going pretty well, and the man has only a few left when he suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably, so they eat him. Now the spirits of the two dead men meet in heaven, and the first says "Man you were so close! Why would you start laughing?!?" The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"

She is watching our wedding video again.

"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"

Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.

It's not me, iReddit somewhere.

His response: “Thanks son. I couldn’t have done it without you!” Happy Father’s Day!!