Perception
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled…
But it's hard to say…
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I started a ship building business in my attic
Sails are going through the roof!
I had a dream that I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
People in Athens hate getting up early
Because dawn is tough on Greece
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Never assume what your friends have been up to
Three ducks walk into a bar. Bar man asks the first duck: “What’s your name, and how was your day?” The duck replies: “It’s Huey and it’s been great, I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. The bar man asks the second duck the same, “It’s Dewey, and I’ve also been in and out of puddles all day. Give me a beer, please”. Finally he turns to the third duck: “so you must be Louie?” “No” she replies, “I'm Puddles. And don’t ask. Just give me a whiskey, neat.”
I was a soap addict.
But now I'm clean.
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
I can really see myself doing that.
ROMNEY DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF
Sorry, just practicing.
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog?
Because he was told to get a long little doggie.
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
A preacher’s wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher…
"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher. "You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies. Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian." "No, ma'am, I think you misunderstood. That's the name of our best ham – The Damn Ham." "Oh," she replies. "Well, I'll take The Damn Ham!" Later as she's preparing dinner, her husband arrives. "Smells great in here!" he says as he enters. "What are you cooking, honey?" "The Damn Ham," she tells him. "What has gotten into you?" he asks. "You know that we do not use that kind of language in this house." "No, dear, that's the name of this ham – The Damn Ham," she explains. "Oh, I see. Well, The Damn Ham smells delicious!" After a while, the two of them and their two sons are sitting at the table enjoying a well made dinner. Going in for seconds, the preacher turns to his wife and asks, "Dear, could you pass me The Damn Ham?" One of the sons jumps up, slaps the table, and yells, "That's the spirit, Dad! Pass the fucking peas!"
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
There’s alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.
But I think people should romaine calm.
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate.
It was the father, son, and the goalie host.
How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
A cop pulls over an old lady driving 35 mph down the highway…
“Why are you driving so slow, ma’am?” The old lady replies, “Because it’s the speed limit, don’t you see the signs?” The cop says, “Those aren’t speed limit signs, it actually says you are on Highway 35.” The cop notices her three passengers look absolutely terrified. “What’s wrong with them?” the cop asks. The old lady answers, “Not sure, they’ve looked like that since I got off Highway 109.”
What did the officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig
the letter “f”
George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.
He even used the name when he had a little grill.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism.
They said if I didn’t pay it back on time I’d get repossessed.
4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption…
She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East. Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple. "There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed. The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
What happened to the frog’s car when it broke down?
It got toad.
An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra…
Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir? Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend? Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pack that is proving very popular with our customers. The old man follows the nurse to the counter, she turns around, bends over and picks up the viagra from the bottom shelf, as she turns back around, the old man is already walking away Old Man: Thank you very much, I'll see you again next Saturday.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
I’ve compiled my bucket list.
I've compiled my bucket list. 4 drumsticks, 4 thighs, original recipe, 2 individual mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits.
When I was a boy..
My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now… Too many fuckin' security cameras.
We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
A pregnant woman hobbles painfully into the hospital with one hand on her back. A nurse rushes over to her and asks her what’s wrong, but the woman just shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!” The nurse shakes her head and says, “Sorry, I don’t understand!” The woman screams, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”
The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, “Admit her immediately!! She’s having contractions!!”
Baler Swift
Baler Swift