A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow
He now has a rare medium well done
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*
Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself Sister-in-law: crying is this why you wanted an open casket
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
My GF said she hates my sense of direction.
So I packed my stuff and right.
Much more sad than funny, if he could only go a few days with out alienating the base.
https://ift.tt/2TBinOr
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
Why was power so tired?
Is was working overtime.
RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker
He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.
Title
https://ift.tt/2Or1Fxj
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack
Bro, can you pass me that leaflet?
Brochure.
Reason why you should take up marathon training
It will help you in the long run.
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt…
He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again" Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned" The drunk guy thinks this is an awesome solution and proceeds to get home. His wife is waiting for him and starts yelling at him "You got drunk and puked on your shirt again, didn't you?" The guy says "No, what happened is that I was at the bar and this guy puked on me, but he put 10 dollars in my shirt pocket so I can have it cleaned" Wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out 2 $10 dollar bills and says "This is not 10 dollars, this is 20!" Guy says "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
My wife gets turned on by shopping
It seems she's buy-sexual
As I’m sure you’re all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.
They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”
What’s the difference between Al Capone and Anakin Skywalker driving an Uber
One's a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader
A Brazilian man in Mexico doesn’t know why the U.S. deported him there.
Can you imagine Hispanic?
Why is it that chinese kids don’t believe in santa?
Because they’re the ones making the toys!
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
Online college
Worst virus my college servers has every been exposed to. When you been an online college student and now all these other students are taking online classes and the college servers can not handle this coronavirus
Two male deer walk out of a gay bar…
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
People say that I’m a plagiarist
Their words, not mine.
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party?
The cold shoulder.
Our mailman got a sex change
so we call him the postman now.
“Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room.”
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
What kind of tree does a chicken grow on?
A poultry. (came up with that in the shower)
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.