Perfect facial recognition doesnt exi- đ
What kind of Dr was Dr.Pepper
He was a Fizzsician
Why isn’t the submarine doing well in school.
He's below c-level
How often should columns be connected at the top?
Just a lintel bit of the time
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide…
The librarian says "Fuck off! You're not gonna bring it back!"
Three scientists in a car
So the three scientists, Heisenberg, SchrĂśdinger, and Ohm are in a car on the highway. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop goes up to Heisenberg who is driving and asks âdo you know how fast you were going?â Heisenberg says, âno, but I know where I amâ. The cop replies âwell you were going 70 in a 35 zoneâ and Heisenberg says âgreat! Now Iâm lost!â Anyways, the cop is suspicious so asks to check the trunk of the car. He comes back and says âhey, you know thereâs a dead cat back there?â and SchrĂśdinger replies âgreat! Youâve ruined the whole thing!â. So the cop is fed up, he pulls Heisenberg out and arrests him, and does the same with SchrĂśdinger, but had a problem with Ohm because he resisted.
My wife says that she won’t let our newly born son have an insect surname.
But I'm quite Adam Ant about it.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bail
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
Why didnât Dwayne Johnsonâs downstairs neighbor recognize him?
Because heâs been living under a rock.
When I die I want to die peacefully in sleep like my granddad …
Not screaming hysterically like his passengers
What is a Monarchistâs least favorite type of music?
Royalty free music
Would not be suprised if this have ben posted here in one form or another but here goes
https://ift.tt/36Z0Eog
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"
What does a womanâs pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and youâre in deep shit.
Little Johnny’s teacher held a contest one Friday in school.
"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday. "The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?" Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately, but the teacher calls on Little Stevie. Little Stevie says, "That was John F. Kennedy, ma'am." "That's right, Little Stevie. You may take the day off on Monday." Little Stevie replies, "Actually, ma'am, I'm Jewish, and we believe in education. I'll be here on Monday." The teacher thanks Stevie for his dedication and then says, "Our next quotation is, 'One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.' Who said that one?" Again, Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up because he'd love a day off, but instead the teacher calls on Little Susie. Little Susie says, "That was Neil Armstrong, teacher, but just like Stevie, I, too, am Jewish and believe strongly in education. I'll be here ready to learn on Monday." From the back of the class, Little Johnny yells, "Fuck the Jews!" The teacher whips her head around and shouts, "Who said that?!" Little Johnny replies, "Adolf Hitler. See ya Tuesday."
![It usually takes longer to write the automation code too [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/z4grlcpz06d31.png)
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday…
They have deep sedimental value to me.
How many germans does it take to change the lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and thereâs a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. Heâs been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesnât have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. âOh my, I am so sorry,â she says as she pops her eye back into place. âLet me buy your dinner to make it up to you.â So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He canât believe his luck. âYou know,â he said, âyou are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?â âNo,â she replies, âYou just happened to catch my eye.â
What do you call a dyslexic atheist?
A person who doesn't believe in dog.
George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.
He even used the name when he had a little grill.
During her time in the US, the Queen of England was given a tour of a hospital
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my Goodness!" screamed the Queen. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the Queen. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, she screamed, "Goodness Gracious! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same condition, better health plan."
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now…
…and that's where I sleep.
I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl
And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.
We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
