PERFECTION

https://ift.tt/2TbC2Ez

devopsjokeslinuxprogrammingserversresysadmintechwindows

Never challenge death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

Soulja boy tell ’em oh

Soulja boy tell ’em oh

Just why

Just why

What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the dinner table?

"Use the fork Luke"

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:’Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars" the owner says. The guy says "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?" The owner said "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit!"

Funny D&J quote ruined by a dumbass caption.

Funny D&J quote ruined by a dumbass caption.

Where she spends her evenings.

Where she spends her evenings.

https://ift.tt/353YRh6

Pete and Amy

Pete and Amy

https://ift.tt/2ueGBo7

This truck

This truck

A man with one leg recently got a job working at a brewery.

A man with one leg recently got a job working at a brewery.

Poor Patrick :(

Poor Patrick :(

https://ift.tt/3eelnbh

When you finished your project…

When you finished your project…

https://ift.tt/2R1QSw1

I was going to make a Corona virus joke

But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.

The Age Old Tradition of Making Snow Dicks

The Age Old Tradition of Making Snow Dicks

https://ift.tt/38tSPbT

Wtf is this

Wtf is this

Tough choices

Tough choices

https://ift.tt/2tEgAhH

The King of Spain is now quarantined on his jet

The Reign in Spain will stay mainly on his plane.

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!” Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!” So the Pope slapped him.

Posted in r/memes. It doesnt even make sense…

Posted in r/memes. It doesnt even make sense…

Have you ever seen how they milk an almond?

It’s nuts

I MADE MY FIRST MEME TODAY

I MADE MY FIRST MEME TODAY

https://ift.tt/2Rn7xLA

Two young lads break into a distillery…

One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?” The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”

Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this

Measels

Why does Frankenstein’s monster have such a good sense of humor?

Because he's always in stitches!

Why tho

Why tho

https://ift.tt/39tD7xh

Surreal space-thyme

Surreal space-thyme

She doesn’t know…

She doesn’t know…

https://ift.tt/2OFvbBl

Phone👏🏼bad👏🏼

Phone👏🏼bad👏🏼

https://ift.tt/35jwGuV

Wife bad. DIY good.

Wife bad. DIY good.

https://ift.tt/2OW2W13

April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing

April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing

https://ift.tt/2Vbc0Tj

Selfie bad

Selfie bad

https://ift.tt/2TW00TE

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…

And then she gave me a huge hug.

My code doesn’t work!!

My code doesn’t work!!

https://ift.tt/2BlmSmQ

(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”

A cow with no lips!

What would happen if americans switched to kilograms overnight?

Mass confusion.

The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.

Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"

Christopher Woken [OC]

Christopher Woken [OC]

Title

Title

https://ift.tt/39Vh9mN

its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house

The difference is staggering

This 14 month-old was helping his dad shovel in Newfoundland after yesterday’s 15-inches of snowfall – when he glitched

This 14 month-old was helping his dad shovel in Newfoundland after yesterday’s 15-inches of snowfall – when he glitched

https://ift.tt/2tKn3r1

How do your pets stop the show you’re watching?

They use paws!

Oh no, what do we do now!?

Oh no, what do we do now!?

https://ift.tt/3fhQ1Bp

THEMETAPICTURE.COM

THEMETAPICTURE.COM

homicide 100

homicide 100

WHY DIDNT I GET MY GOLD >:(

WHY DIDNT I GET MY GOLD >:(

https://ift.tt/2Pl7dMw

The creation of motivation

The creation of motivation

https://ift.tt/2XLYsNB

It’s almost as if there was something else about Kaepernick they disliked…

It’s almost as if there was something else about Kaepernick they disliked…

https://ift.tt/346AbnS

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

I took a viagra this morning but it got stuck in my throat

I’ve had a stiff neck all day

where the hell is the electron

where the hell is the electron

https://ift.tt/3bmfeI8

“God Emperor”

“God Emperor”

https://ift.tt/2SfqXCE

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Hilarious 😂

Hilarious 😂

https://ift.tt/38dMaCn

Who’s the new heifer?

Who’s the new heifer?

Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… we'd both still be alive.

Painfully accurate.

Painfully accurate.

https://ift.tt/3hqisP9

Stupid zoomers

Stupid zoomers

https://ift.tt/39tihi9

He WaS aThIeSt

He WaS aThIeSt

I was taking my first martial arts class

The instructor told me that in this school of martial arts, unlike most others, there were eight points of contact to strike with – hands, elbows, knees and feet. He then told me to try striking the punching bag with my knee But I hit it with Muay Thai. (Thanks u/Daedyl)

Relatable

Relatable

https://ift.tt/2WErArE

Only a thousand?

Only a thousand?

yeah.. emergency

yeah.. emergency

https://ift.tt/2VNB2Z5

OMG THIS IS ME!!! MY PATRON SAINT! I’m so badass

OMG THIS IS ME!!! MY PATRON SAINT! I’m so badass

A locksmith from the south of France named Guy just escaped uninfected from Iran, the new center of the coronavirus

What a Le Key Guy

Go Home everyone

Go Home everyone

These types of memes need to stop

These types of memes need to stop

Hollywood really did a number on them.

Hollywood really did a number on them.

https://ift.tt/2RfAwAF

History repeats

History repeats

https://ift.tt/2ICAAp2

My brother is the biggest suck up. He always gets everything he needs. I get yelled at. Thanks.

My brother is the biggest suck up. He always gets everything he needs. I get yelled at. Thanks.

https://ift.tt/2YunNfc

Had to translate it from French

Had to translate it from French

https://ift.tt/2rialPk

Trickle down at work

Trickle down at work

https://ift.tt/2XX2e8Q

Back End Developer doing CSS

Back End Developer doing CSS

https://ift.tt/36aTPPE

Condoms do not Guarantee safe sex

Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."

it was me all along

it was me all along

https://ift.tt/2FdXZLO

Men dumb

Men dumb

https://ift.tt/2yHe2S5

I don’t trust autosave

I don’t trust autosave

https://ift.tt/2Keyaxu

Daylight Saving Time. How is this still a thing?

Daylight Saving Time. How is this still a thing?

https://ift.tt/2IqvU5z

Robber ties up guy and a girl

A robber breaks into a house and ties up the girl and guy. The robber asks where the jewels are and the guy responds with: "I'll give you everything! Please, let her go…" Robber: "I only care about the jewels! I won't hurt you if you give me what I want…" Guy: "I BEG you, let her go!" Robber: "Wow, fine, you must really love your wife" Guy: "What? No…. My wife is about to get home!"

Dying with laughter!

Dying with laughter!

Hey girl, are you a cop?

… because you’ve taken my breath away.

wE’Ve aLL dOnE tHiS yes that’s the point

wE’Ve aLL dOnE tHiS yes that’s the point

Eyeronic

Eyeronic

A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor

He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground. The bartender bangs on the door and the guy's wife answers. "Here's your drunken bum of a husband," the bartender says The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Why…

Why…

The Apprentice

The Apprentice

https://ift.tt/2PmnCyC

“I’M CRYING”

“I’M CRYING”

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He’s a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock…

Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot… Cows go moo!

The elusive “husband bad”

The elusive “husband bad”

https://ift.tt/37jxzUQ

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle…..

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle. Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn’t Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa’s little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf

How do you make the number one disappear?

Just add a G and it’s gone

Old spice what the fuck

Old spice what the fuck

A millennial buying a home

No text found

First post!

First post!

https://ift.tt/2Vpy37n

What do you call Bears without ears

B

iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!

iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms

Completely unnecessary

Completely unnecessary

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