Perfectly balanced, as all circuits should be.
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind
It really came out of the purple
I couldn’t believe my friend when he said he sterile…
I said, "no kidding?!"
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies "Free". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender replies "Free". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
What comes out if you cross a mosquito and an elephant?
I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler
Last year, my friend told me he’s quitting his job to pursue a miming career.
I haven’t heard from him since.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book im writing.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
I did Nazi that coming
Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less" Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER" Hitler looks up: "Yes?"
A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Aruba and $3.00 in the Bahamas
Those are the the pie rates of the Caribbean
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
Joke my 6 year old son made up.
What is the best type of pan to cook fish in? A CAST iron pan. Get it? Because you have to cast for fish. I thought it was super cute!
A woman walks into the farmer’s market and says,
“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.” So the woman leaves. A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I apologize miss, but we’ll be out of tomatoes for the next few days. Actually, weren’t you in earlier today also? How about you give me your number and we’ll call when our shipment comes in.” So she gives him the number and leaves again. Just before the market is getting ready to close, the same woman comes in again and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes” The clerk, exasperated, pulls the woman aside and asks her, “Lady, what would you get if you took the sun out of a sunflower? The woman, sort of confused thinks and then replies, “well, I guess you’d have just a flower.” He says, “Great. Now, what would you get if you took the orange out of orange juice?” The woman, proud of herself responds, “you’d have only juice.” “Okay, good job. Now, what do you get if you take the fuck out of tomatoes?” Perplexed, she finally responds, “wait a minute, there’s no fuck in tomatoes.” He yells in her face, “That’s right, there’s no fuckin’ tomatoes!!!”
When I was a boy, my father told me never to ask a lady her age.
But the judge didn't see it that way.
I just saw a robbery at the Apple store…
I guess that makes me an iWitness!
How does Jesus make tea?
He brews it
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.
It means a lot.
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
I have the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.
No text found
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?
Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
I wasn’t the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show.
Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects “fuck” to “duck.”
You're still using fowl language.