Then it hit me
None. It's a hardware problem.
My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
wants your draaaiiins
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
They’re just trying to be edgy.
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"…
They're both cauldron.
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
I don’t know how much she charges,
It’s full of s&m porn. Mom says: well what are we going to do? Dad says: what do you mean? Mom says: well.. we can’t spank him.
Tom: holding a cup Do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand Done! om: holding a cup It didn't work
A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful. When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, wizened man tending it. He asks, nervously: "Do you work here?" He replied "Yes, I do". Still stupified by this mystical old man, the husband stammers…I uh…uh..am looking for something for my wife. My work requires me to travel and I wan't something that can keep her satisfied so she won't cheat on me. The old man blinks slowly a few times, then says: "Yes, I believe we have what you're looking for." He pulls out a wooden box, covered in dust. It looks ANCIENT. As he opens the lid, the smell of old wood floods the husband's nostrils. This here is a Voodoo dick. It has magical powers and I assure you, it would keep any women satisfied. The husband laughs harder than he has in a long time. "Did you say VOODOO dick? HAHAHAHA I can't believe you're trying to sell me this sh*t". The old man just looks at him. "Allow me to demonstrate to quash your doubts, I suggest you stand away from the door." The husband looks behind him, and with a quizzical look on his face, takes three steps away from the door he was leaning against. The old man speaks. "VOODOO DICK, The door!" All of a sudden, the gnarled, wooden shaft lying dormant inside the box floats into the air. It levels off with the doorknob, then soars through the air directly at the keyhole. A thunderous bang bang bang can be heard as the voodoo dick tries violently to enter the hole that is far too small for it. The door starts to shake and hinges rattle. The man says I'LL TAKE IT!!!!! The old man then says VOODOO DICK, the box! And as if on rewind, it slowly glides back into the box, and lay still. Upon arriving home, his wife asks him what he has in the box. "It's a voodoo dick, honey", he says. The wife starts dying of laughter. "Voodoo dick? hahahahaha you must be joking!!" The husband gives her a stern look and says: "Listen, I know how lonely you get on those business trips of mine, and this will keep you occupied so I know you'll be faithful." He then says: "Voodoo dick, her pussy!" The lid of the box bursts open as the dick flies through the air, directly towards his wife's crotch. There is the definitive sound of her panties ripping as the dick penetrated through the fabric, into it's designated spot. The wife: "What the he….hey….ooooo…mmm…oh…my…god…!!!!" She is shaking on the couch. The husband smiles and says, see you later honey, I'm going golfing with some pals from work!. She is too busy biting her lips to respond. Three hours pass. Finally, decided she's been satiated, the wife tries to remove the dick from inside her. She pulls, tugs at it with all her might, but it won't budge. The thing remains inside her and refuses to move. She panics. She sees her husband's cellphone on the living room table. He forgot it. And he didn't tell her how to turn the thing off! With the voodoo dick still thrusting inside her, the wife runs to the garage and starts the car. She has to get to a hospital. She's freaking out. 12 minutes later, she is pulled over by a traffic cop for doing nearly double the speed limit. He asks her why she felt she needed to risk her life and the life of others by speeding. He thinks she's on drugs, because she's not talking coherently. Officer…oh…ahh…see…uh..my husband bought this….voodoo dick…for me and it won't come out!!..And oohhhhhh…….ahh…he didn't tell me how to turn it off! He's gone..golfing with his friends…and I can't…get a hold..of him. The officer looks at her with a blank expression on her face. He bursts out laughing. "Hahahahaha, that's a new one! Never heard that one before! Voodoo dick, my ass!"
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
Insert punchline here
but then it dawned on me.
10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates…
St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl, "So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool of holy water before them and then she may enter heaven. Next, "So Christine, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Christine says, "Well, I once fondled a man with my hand." Peter tells Christine to dip her whole hand into the holy water to enter. Suddenly, there's a commotion coming from the back of the pack of girls, where Agatha is pushing her way up to the front. "Why so eager Agatha?" Agatha responds: "Cause if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I'm going to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!"
He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard." The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad." "Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard." "My son, this is not so bad. 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers and you shall be cleansed." The man interrupts, "Um Father, there was some wood left over, so I used it to build a fence around my yard." The Priest was surprised. "My child, that's a bit worse. You'll have to do 2 full rosaries." The man speaks up again. "Father, you see there was still some wood left and I used it to build an extension on my house." The Priest sighed with discomfort. "Oh dear my child. You'll need to do some real penance for that. Our church courtyard could use an update. Do you know how to build a gazebo?" The man replied, "No father, but if you have the plans, I have the wood."
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
There have been barely any posts all year.
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits don’t exist. The FBI goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest to the ground, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. That rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in last. They come out a few hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is screaming: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
I'm going to put my glasses on
There are too many ears
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
A patient bursts into his therapist’s office and shouts, “Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I’m trapped in a deck of cards!”
The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
They say he was defeated in battle
Nuts and bolts.
Female, she doesn’t let you finish your sentence before suggesting something.
Oh wait nvm, she's back. Just went to go to the bathroom.