What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes ‘WHACK’ , “ah shit”. A bad skydiver goes “ah shit” , ‘WHACK’
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
The circus is coming to town!
Reality is often disappointing
A blonde joke
Two blondes are walking down a country road. They come upon a fence along a field. One blonde looks across the field and says "Hey, look at the flock of cows!" Her friend says "HERD of cows, you dolt". And she replies "Of course I've heard of cows, theres a flock of them over there".
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
You make them VERY ANGRY.
I was going to post a time travel joke but…..
Nobody thought it was funny.
Why don’t women work at the post office?
It's a mail dominated industry.
The GOP on Romney right now
It do be like that
wife = accident
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Where are you going?” she asks. “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
Whoever invented auto-correct,
can go to hello. Edit: Wow thanks for the silver!
One day, little Bobby’s parents decided to have sex
So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Bobby says sure and goes out. After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Bobby says " I didn't see any red cars but I found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says "That’s funny, did they leave the curtains open?” In return, Bobby says out loud, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting red cars"
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side… This joke was a little forced.
Bus Not Found
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
My turn to post as in promised
Instagram is a goldmine of this shit
I actually like this one
I was addicted to soap for years…
I’m clean now!
Wanna know what gets me down
I mean is it not?
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
Pass it on
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions: First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one — which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Confounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd. . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind…..but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ." St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."
I don’t know where you are but i will find you and i will fix you
Never knew Shakespeare was into Computers 🤣
I am speechless
another boomer meme
*laughs while eating ramen for the 300th day*
What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?
What do they call the hunger games in France?
Battle royale with cheese.
Par for the course
So there was this Mexican magician..
He said he could make himself disappear by the count of three. He said uno, dos and then POOF he vanished without a tres
haha its funny because he’s a puppet hahaha
When you’re reading papers during the quarantine…
Ever have your kid come up with a better punchline than your original?
I went to ask my daughter: Where do you park when you visit the moon? (Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!) But straight faced she replies: Anywhere you can find space. Then she grinned… (she knew what she was doing)… space dad. get it? in space…. Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.
Big shoutout to my great grandmother!
She can't hear me otherwise.
I killed a chicken last week
Now I Think I’m getting haunted by a poultrygeist
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started “unos, dos..”
But then he disappeared without a tres…
When Trump, as a 2nd gen immigrant, talks about the problem of immigration
Now we know
Got a new Tatoo
Why is deadpools house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall
code has been cracked
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Arguing With a Boomer About Climate Change
Vintage-style boomer cartoon
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
“You look like a guy I dated once,” said this woman in a bar.
I said, "Oh…really?" She said, "Yeah. I didn't see him a second time because I thought he was ugly."
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter…
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "…and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir." the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
thank you facebook, very cool
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
cries in toshiba hdd
Hey babe are you a mechanical hard drive because you have an average response time of 2 years.
And half of them think they’re playing Jeopardy for some reason….
They just can’t be satisfied
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
A priest, a rapist and a paedophile walk into a bar.
He orders a beer.
The first Karen to get sick was..
2020 Society Check