Petition to ban emoticons in Reddit titles.
Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,
and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish." The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune." The Irishman replies, "I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune." The Welshman answers, "I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir." The Scotsman says quickly, "I'd like to be shot first."
![[borderline fit] source in comments](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/cp0al86rywu41-400x349.jpg)
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."
How do you make 7 even?
By removing the S.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.
Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.
Wanna feel old?
Wait
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him, “What’s wrong?”
The boy says, "Me ma is dead." "Oh bejaysus," the man replies. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?" The boys says, "No tanks mister. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment."
What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies?
A well educated Barista
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. They are efficient and not very funny
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do! -Dad
An 18-wheeler filled with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway today.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
There’s no way it’s looking at degen forums. Probably cringey wholesome ones. Time to invade
There’s no way it’s looking at degen forums. Probably cringey wholesome ones. Time to invade
Did you hear about the monster that ate a Cessna?
He said it was a little plane
[NSFW] What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on me.
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
I never believed my friend would steal from his job as a road worker
but then I started to see the signs
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
What does the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift.
The Queen just knighted the first cow in history.
He is Sirloin.
I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high…
She seemed surprised
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It was just lowercase.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid!
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
What’s funnier than the plague?
This week? Just about anything.
