Pewdiepie submissions has too many of these
What’s the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?
You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!
Nine months isn’t really that long…
It only feels like a maternity!
Why are ants immune to COVID-19?
They have anty-bodies
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
Remember, having sex regularly is great for your memory!
Have an awesome 2016! ❤️
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
How does a rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson
Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.
Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting. The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?” “What are you doing?” the cop asked. “Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.” Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?” “I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded. “How old are you?” the cop inquired. “I’m 22, Officer.” “And the girl—how old is she?” The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”
What is coding called on Tatooine?
Jabbascript
Corona is taking “viral marketing” too literally
The new campaign is a killer
Watched a movie in 1440p for the first time yesterday.
It was my new year's resolution.
This one time, all the rooms in a hotel were booked. But then comes this one guy, who asks for a room, in the same hotel, and gets one easily.
Because his name was Improvement. And there's always room for improvement.
I was attacked by 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were against me
I told this girl I was talking to that I like to race cars, she asked me if I win often
I said no, the cars are much faster
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.
Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"
I have some jokes about unemployed people.
But I know they won't work.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
My girlfriend is like pi plus the square root of negative one.
Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.
A local barber in my area was arrested for selling drugs.
It blew my mind—I've been his customer for years and I had no idea he was a barber.
Today my doctor told me I was colorblind.
The results came completely out of the purple…
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end…
But a beautiful finish
Apparently, I’m in the secret service.
Been so many years and nobody told me.
I just invented a new word.
It's called 'plagiarism'.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
What do you call a line of men waiting for a hair cut?
A barber queue
This man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: “What’s the matter?”…
"I found out my brother is gay" The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?" "I found out that my son is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Ok sir. What's the matter this time?" "I found out that my dad is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 50 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Does anyone in your family like women?" "Apparently my wife does."
What does the clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…
Now don't tell me that's just a coincidence.