Pewdiepie submissions is a cesspool of shit
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation?
Because he’s an X-Boxer
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark Naked
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion
I said "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.
I’ve just found a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
“OMG! There’s a wolf!”
"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the ‘Knock Knock’ joke ?
He won the "No-Bell Prize"
It is okay if you don’t know what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
A dying mother talks to her son on her death bed
Mother: Before I die, I have to tell you something. You're ad- ado- Son: I'm adopted?! Mother: No, you're adorable Son: sniffs Thanks, mom Mother: That's why I chose you at the adoption center
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
How much does a socially awkward penguin weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend. The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
What’s the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a latter and the latter is a former.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize."
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.
But they just didn't get it.