Phallus indusiatus, so beautiful, so pungent.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
Love Roman numerals
But I quit as it was just one ting after another…
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
As a muffler specialist, I replied, "I'm the one that's really exhausted."
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Bartender asks "What can I get ya?" The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary." Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks." On the third's turn he orders "Hot water." Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?" To which the third vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and answers, "I'm just going to make some tea."
He wasn't being very trans parent.
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
but now it's just water under the fridge.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed…. well, everyone except one guy.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
… for 20 seconds. … And only once.
the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.
I have 2020 vision.
He had reptile dysfunction
Oh shit thought this was google
When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.
It really makes my day.
I named the second one Repeat.
Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tanning salons closed, waxing salons closed…
It's about to get ugly out there. Stay safe.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct. The mathematician also went to hell. The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from ?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." The idiot went to Heaven.
You might be dyslexic
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing