Phallus indusiatus, so beautiful, so pungent.
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
I for one…
Love Roman numerals
Would not be suprised if this have ben posted here in one form or another but here goes
https://ift.tt/36Z0Eog
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band…
But I quit as it was just one ting after another…
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
The wheel installer at the auto factory told me, “Man, I’m so tired.”
As a muffler specialist, I replied, "I'm the one that's really exhausted."
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
Someone just complimented my wife and told her that she and our daughter looked like twins.
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Three vampires walk into a bar
Bartender asks "What can I get ya?" The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary." Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks." On the third's turn he orders "Hot water." Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?" To which the third vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and answers, "I'm just going to make some tea."
My father identifies as a woman, but he never told me about it
He wasn't being very trans parent.
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
What do you call a dog that eats other dogs?
A caninbal.
My wife was mad at me for kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator,
but now it's just water under the fridge.
From a young age I wanted to play guitar very badly.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal. I can play guitar very badly.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”
I said, "hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed…. well, everyone except one guy.
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.
… for 20 seconds. … And only once.
two antennas met on a roof, feel in love and got married.
the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.
I can see two years into the future
I have 2020 vision.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had reptile dysfunction
How does a computer science major pick up girls?
Oh shit thought this was google
Some motherfucker took a shit
When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.
I love the way the earth rotates
It really makes my day.
My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete.
I named the second one Repeat.
Nail salons closed, Lash salons closed, Hair salons closed, Tanning salons closed, waxing salons closed…
It's about to get ugly out there. Stay safe.
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct. The mathematician also went to hell. The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from ?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." The idiot went to Heaven.
If life gives you melons,
You might be dyslexic
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
A man is washing his car with his son. The son says…
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
Post Malone just suspended his tour
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
Two satellites decided to get married
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
