Phases of software development
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The Sky’s the Limit!”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said “Oh look. They have tongue depressers.” He says “Those won’t work on me.” I asked why and he says…
"I'm on antidepressants." He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year’s resolution was
She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes. Oh, and also fuck you.
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
My family treats me like a God
They forget that I exist unless they want something
Guy walks into a bar…
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake… He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy … do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No … not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"…
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold- blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.
The British general called one of his men over. “Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.” “Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. “See, British soldiers are the bravest.” “That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.” “Da, Comrade General!” The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. “Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.” He calls one of his men over. “Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!” Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says “Go fuck yourself, General.” “See! Now that takes some real balls!”
What happens when someone steals uranium
It becomes theiranium
What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?
Fruit of the tomb
When I hailed a taxi, the driver started insulting me.
"What was that for?" I asked, shocked. To which he replied, "Hey, that's what I do best. I drive people away."
I had sex with a blind girl yesterday
She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.” I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”
I think I banged a Chinese celebrity.
She kept screaming “I’m Wei Tu Yung”. Like I was supposed to know the name.
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
Found this on my computer science teacher’s webpage
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
A wife goes to her husband and says…
"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
A girl once said about me “He’s the one!”
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
The girl with no arms and legs laying by the pool
There’s a girl with no arms and legs laying by a pool. She's tanning and enjoying herself when a handsome guy walks by and grabs her attention. She yells over to him and asks if he can help her with something. The guy feels bad for her so he walks over and asks her what she needs. She says, “Well you see…I’m a virgin, and you are a very good looking guy." The guy looks at her confused as to what she is hinting at. She continues, "I've never had sex before, and I've always wanted to get fucked." The guy responds, "Oh I see what you mean now." So he throws her in the pool and says, “Now you’re fucked.”
I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list….
I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??
Well, I for one..
I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flys..
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom..