Philadelphia is known for more than their cream cheese

The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick. He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?" The doctor replies… "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."

Guardians of the Galaxy

when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.” “Like what?” Ted said. “All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said. “Well what’s yours like?” Ted said. “Well straight like normal,” Ed said. “I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours,” Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Ted said. “Shaking off the excess drops,” Ed said. “Like normal.” “Shit,” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!”

They formed an alloy-ence

Because it was soda pressing.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor. He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity" He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor. He thinks "I definitely can't do that for eternity" He walks into a third room where theres a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffee. He says to himself "…well I guess I could get used to the smell." After 10 minutes in the room, the devil comes in and says "Alright, coffee break's over. Back to headstands."

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting. The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?” “What are you doing?” the cop asked. “Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.” Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?” “I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded. “How old are you?” the cop inquired. “I’m 22, Officer.” “And the girl—how old is she?” The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Despite having a huge fan base.

"Silence of the Lambs"

….We never went back to Thailand since!

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.

A pair of slippers.

You have my word.

No text found

Because water decreases concentration.

She worked knights.

But she had too many issues.

Little did I know the window was rolled down… at least it stopped crying

Because all of the fans left.

He’ll be born in February.

a micro transaction

He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.

One takes photos, the other takes five toes!

A: Look for footprints in the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 2 elephants hiding in your refrigerator? A: You can hear them fighting for room. Q: How do you tell there are 3 elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's more no room for the butter. Q: How do you tell there are 4 elephants in your refrigerator? A: You need a fork lift to move it. Q: You're in an airplane that's running out of fuel much more quickly than expected and is going to crash. What does the pilot throw out to save the plane? A: Your refrigerator. Q: Greg and Rich were playing their weekly game of chess. Greg always wins, but this time Rich was so close. He sat there thinking, and thinking, and thinking, trying to find an opening. He thought for so long that he died, and Greg won. How did Rich die? A: A refrigerator fell on him. Q: The Lion King called a huge meeting and demanded that all the animals come. There were the cheetahs, antelope, wildebeests, rattle snakes, hippopotamus, literally almost everyone one was there for the big meeting. But they couldn't start because there was one animal missing. Who was is? A: The elephants, because they were in your refrigerator. Q: Your walking across a desert when you come to a big river. You are so hungry that you're about to faint, but you can see several fruit trees full of fruit on the other side. There's an old bridge across the river, but it has a sign that says "Bridge closed due to snake infestation." Along the river there are also signs that say "Warning: Crocodiles – no swimming." How do you get across the river? A: Just take the bridge. All the animals are at the Lion King's meeting. Just some absurd jokes from my childhood 😉

Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Dad: My wife's going into labor, and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Dad: No, this is her husband

A Rain Bow tie.

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."

. Edit: thank you kind stranger for the Silver!

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

It was soda pressing.