Philadelphia is known for more than their cream cheese
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
How long does it take to master the art of Italian cooking?
Time cannoli tell
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I’m not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I’m the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.
Walmart will be closed for Christmas
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
Why couldn’t the computer take its Hat off?
Because it had its CAPS LOCK on.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
I used to think all black people had boomboxes.
Turned out it was just a stereo type.
Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Sorry for this …
Neil arms weak. Neil joins gym. Neil does chin-ups. Neil Armstrong 2. William making fruit shake. William took pears. William put them in glass. William Shakespeare 3. Jimmy goes to restaurant. Jimmy sits down. Jimmy gets food. Jimmy Choo 4. Tony makes movie. Tony works hard. Tony earns fans. Tony Star k 5. Alan feels happy. Alan runs hard. Alan falls in gutter. Alan Reekman (Rickman) 6. Usain s*** scared. Usain screams. Usain close doors. Usain Bolt.
What’s the difference between necrophilia and a choking fetish?
15 seconds, give or take.
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I’d have to get it in a place that didn’t matter…
So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
Different Boobs and Dicks
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says…
5 beers please
How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
What’s the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?
For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.
The Ultimate Blonde Joke
A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?' The cop says, "You know – it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it". The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, gives it back and says, "OK, you can go. I didn't know you were a cop".
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow that has been knighted? Sir Loin What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky What do you call a cow that dies in a helicopter crash? Kobe Beef
I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.
I asked what the hell are you doing? He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
Can a ninja hit a fly with a ninja star?
Shuriken.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boob implants?
One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean
A woman was angry because…
Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction. Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dress and pick up the note. He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door. She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”
Wife: Honey, I’m going on a business trip to London.
….What gift do you want? . . . . . . Husband: A British girl would be nice. Wife: Okay. Wife completes her trip and returns home. Husband: So did you bring me a British girl? Wife: Yeah. Husband: Where is she? Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog
It was a shitzu
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.