Philadelphia is known for more than their cream cheese
A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
Last St. Patrick’s Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
The blonde’s password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
The Ultimate Blonde Joke
A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?' The cop says, "You know – it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it". The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, gives it back and says, "OK, you can go. I didn't know you were a cop".
I might be…
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
It do always be dat right bronchus
Why is 6 afraid of 7..
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
What chemical element is symbolized by the letters Ah?
The element of surprise!
That’s what table salt is
The other day I was asking the bartender for the WiFi password
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
“And lol, the Trump/Pence will sound!”
[presidential test post]
My body is nicely defined.
If you look up the word "flabby".
#define NULL me
Not 1, not 2 not even 3
Programmer good, users bad
When input validating is too much effort
This Movie Trailer Thumbnail and Title are Sending Serious Boomer Humor Vibes
This actually happened to me today…
M4A in a nutshell
Just being honest.
Regarding the recent tax return ruling
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
I got so drunk last night
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with
She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens
Last night I lost my watch at a party.
Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman…. not on my watch
THE SOONER THE BETTER
Local zoo stopped giving tests
Too many Cheetahs
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Umbrellas = Slavery
Gay jokes aren’t funny
Cum on guys
It’s awesome code, until you look at it again the next week
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
My boss told me to have a good afternoon…
so I went home.
We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked.
But, Plan e just might take off
It’s the truth
When “Deplorables” is too subtle for your base:
“That’s not socialism, its Capitalism with style” – Republicans, probably
Climate change bad
“What did the leper say to the prostitute after sex?”
"Keep the tip."
I was looking at history memes when I was smacked in the face with this.
What’s the most fucked up thing you’ve done for money?
I love playing catch with my kids.
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
So I was driving when I see a woman run over a poor rabbit. I stopped immediately to render assistance.
I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days. I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? " Then it hits me, I can fix this. I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away. As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us ! He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight. The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?" I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave. I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
omg rofl HE WAS AN EMPLOYEE!
Hope people get it
If a person overdoeses on Viagra
Do they die hard?
How To Create an Empty String
Why isn’t Dark spelled “Darc”
Because you can’t C in the dark
Words cannot express…
…how limited my vocabulary is.
Why log when you can print!
Biggest plot twist in the history of humanity
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water.
I learned this today!
Found this gem at Barnes & Nobles
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
You make them VERY ANGRY.
They all float
Life of a programmer
Lets Go Elon
I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward
Man being a teacher is hard
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' … She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..