Phineas and Ferb had some good jokes and puns
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
I was beside myself.
He's a small arms dealer.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
He sits down and orders 3 beers. “You know, you don’t have to order these all at once – I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender. “Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin together,” and he chugs them all down. Every day for months, the Irishman comes in and does the same thing, until one day he orders only two beers. The bartender’s heart sinks, knowing the Irishman must have lost one of his brothers. “Im so sorry,” he says, “did one of your brothers pass?” “Of course not, they’re fine!” says the Irishman, “I’ve just quit drinkin!”
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, “Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?” Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
The librarian says "Fuck off! You're not gonna bring it back!"
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me." The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts
My wife must've bought the extra sharp cheddar.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself Sister-in-law: crying is this why you wanted an open casket
I have contacts.
"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
He’s a giant banner after all.
Like my name, phone number, address…
Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
At least he’s an ok broomer.
I am staying at a hotel and watched a great movie last night with lots of cowboys, gunfights, and drinking.
It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.
Thanks for nothing.
They might be seeing someone on the side
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.